


Tortured Souls

by bushsarah17



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Eventual somewhat happy ending, Flashbacks, Force connections, Loss, Peace, Plot Twist, Redemption, Romance, Slow Burn, Tragedy, Violence, balance, mind torture, resolve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 40,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bushsarah17/pseuds/bushsarah17
Summary: Ben Solo died with his redemption, however fate, and his Uncle Luke, believe his story isn't done yet. When given a second chance at life, he ventures out to find Rey and is welcomed coldly by the remaining Resistance members. Rey, knowing they were both in danger there, brings him back to Ach- To to start a life of their own with neither good nor bad, light or dark, but rather finding a balance of both as the dyad reunites. Things start to go south the second he comes back, but is it worth it? A new (and surprising) threat rises and torments the minds of the dyad, turning them against each other. Is there a way to work together again to defeat this threat, or is it more than they can bear? Rated M for angst and violence and eventual tragedy. Has light-hearted moments, but mainly angst and slow burn.
Relationships: Reylo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special shout out to my friend Matt (no, he is not a radar technician) for the help during all my writers block moments and for the INSANE twist on the story! Enjoy! :)

Chapter 1:  
{Takes place right after Palpatine was taken down}

Grabbing onto the last ledge, Ben pulls himself from the chasm, his head breaking into the dim light. His vision is blurry and he can feel every organ in his body deceiving him; giving him false hope. He makes out a white blur in the distance- Rey. Then there is this immense pull in his gut- why couldn’t he sense her? Whenever she was near the force connected them. Why wasn’t it happening this time…?  
Ben’s eyes widened. As swiftly as he could, he pulled himself up and hobbled over to her. His injuries were holding him back from running to her. He clumsily falls crumples next to her.  
Please let her be okay…. Passed out from exhaustion, that’s all it was.  
When he turned her from her side towards him, his heart clenched. His stomach dropped. Her eyes wide open but not moving, he shook. He raised her chest to his ear in search of something; anything, any sign of life. He embraced her, tears forming in his eyes. He knew it was a longshot, but he desperately looked around for help; as if anyone would be there. He even had hoped that the spirit of his uncle or even his father showed; they would’ve been able to sense how far gone she was. How long was he in that chasm? He had fought for what felt like eternity to get out of there, as fast as he could to save Rey.  
But he had been too late.  
This was all his fault. He started this war. He brought her into this when she wanted no part in it. He let Snoke seduce him and made him think that her destruction was what he wanted. He never wanted any of this. He just wanted to feel like he had a place in this world; anyone who gave him that he would’ve followed.  
She offered that very thing, he remembered. She had offered her hand- she had offered a way out, she had offered peace from the pain they were both enduring. But he denied it like a fool. He wanted to; he wanted to so badly he could taste it. He regrets everything now, as it has cost her life- the one life he cared about.  
These thoughts whirled in his head within seconds. He focused and loosened her embrace, realizing what he had to do. And hell, he would do anything for her.

He placed his hand gently on her side and through his grief, he calmed his breath. He needed to focus. There had been hope. This was it- he could finally make her see he was in there all along, like she had so stubbornly held onto since they met. He cleared his mind. He could feel the power of the force shake and radiate off his hand. He focused all his intentions on Rey- healing her, saving her, from the pain and suffering he had caused her; that was caused upon her against her will since she was a child with no say. This couldn’t be how her destiny ended. He felt every last ounce of his force flow from him. His eyes were closed, trying to remain focused. He was getting light headed. He felt himself fading away. But if it meant saving her, it was the best feeling he had felt since the day they force connected and touched hands.

“Please don’t leave me…” he thought through the force.

Suddenly, abruptly, something grasped at his hand. The movement was fast and unexpected, like a jolt. Ben opened his eyes to see Rey sitting straight up, with huge eyes. Ben just stared at her in disbelief. So many emotions rolled through him- happiness, regret, guilt, shame, confusion; peace.

He searched Rey’s wide eyes. Scenes played through her face- confusion at first, then realization. She smiled. “Ben?”

His heart skipped. Her smile lit the dim room. As in the force connections, all he could see; all he wanted to see, was her. Staring at him, not with hatred or loathing, but a smile. This is the first time he had ever seen his smile. It made him hate himself more for never wanting to see it before.

Ben’s body was shutting down fast. It wasn’t painful; it was slow, but peaceful. Like he had fulfilled everything he had ever wanted to. He had finally found his purpose in all of this- he was not a Jedi, he was not Sith; he was the outcome of downfall and ruin but the redemption and clarity of a true hero.

Ben was so lost in everything and when he tried to smile, it felt very forced. He was so happy to see her alive, and was willing to pay with his life to keep her alive, but instantly became sad. He could have experienced this- her holding his hand in an embrace, those emotional eyes staring back at him, for much longer had he just taken her hand.  
At least I finally took it, he thought.

There was so much he wanted to say- so much he wanted to explain, but before he had a chance to, he saw Rey’s hand slowly and hesitantly raise towards his cheek. She pulled it away slightly, then smiled and grabbed his face and pulled it towards her, their lips clashing in a gentle and passionate kiss.

Ben jumped in shock, but easily fell into it, returning the kiss and placing his arms gently on her back. His hands were shaking, but he managed to pull her closer. It was bliss. Ben hadn’t realized how badly he had wanted her attention; her love until he had seen her laying lifeless on the ground. He wanted nothing more than to just stay in that moment forever. At least he would get to for the rest of his life…

Rey pulled away, a smile plaguing her lips. Ben was almost gone, but he let a big smile and a small sigh of laughter release his cracked lips. That is the first time he remembers smiling since he was a child, and it felt fantastic. He had just kissed the girl he had been chasing for what felt like ages; the girl that put up such a fight, who felt so alone and scared, just like him. The girl he truly cared about. He was finally free, and she had given him peace and purpose.

Rey’s smile fades as she realizes what is happening. She grabs his hand, thinking she could save him just by being with him. His smile and eyes stared her right in the face as he dissipated into the air. She fell forward, trying to catch his body as he left. A lump in her throat formed. Everything she has ever cared about has gone- her parents, Han, Luke, Leia, and now him. This man… the one who chased her, interrogated her, tortured her mind, deprived her of sleep, gave her hope, betrayed her, and finally turned. This man who was equally as tortured by his past and wanted an escape; wanted her to escape with him… and she denied him of that freedom. Now he was gone, and there was nothing she could do other than sit and stare at the place where a ghost of a man she had cared about once laid, wishing she would have gotten to him sooner.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:  
“Welcome back, kid”  
Ben remained consciousness and was confronted by the ghost of his father, Han Solo. Last time he had seen him, he made Kylo Ren cease to exist and brought Ben back to existence. After he threw his murderous weapon into the raging sea, he looked back at his father for approval, to reassure him that his son was back. But in classic Han Solo style, he did not extend his visit long enough to see it.

A twinge of anger pinged at Ben’s stomach, but it quickly subsided as he sat up and observed his surroundings. There was a dim yellow light in the distance and a horizon that looked like it had no end- just endless beauty. Peaceful, yet daunting. Han extended his hand to help his son up. Ben immediately felt a wave of sadness wash over him- Rey.  
He shook the thought from his mind and took his father’s hand, astounded that he could actually touch his father without flowing right through him like his saber had done to Luke on Crait. Despite being able to physically grab his father’s hand, there was no feel to it. It was as if his whole body was numb; no sensation was externally felt. After going so long without touch, then having that change when he met Rey and feeling all of it all at once, it was torture to have that ripped from him again.

His father stared at him with proud eyes. “You did the right thing, Ben. It took you ages to come around, but I’m glad you did.”  
Ben had waited his whole life for the approval of his father. When he never got it, he went to Snoke, who made him think he could be so much more and that he would gain trust after time. Then came Rey, who called him out for what he actually was: a monster, a murderer. Yet her disapproval of him was the approval he wanted most; he wanted someone who didn’t make excuses for him; someone who saw him for what he was; someone who felt what he was feeling, and to not sugarcoat things. And she didn’t. 

Ben returned his attention back to his father, forcing a smile and a nod as a silent “Thank you.”

“What your father is trying to say is that we are both so proud of you.” a very familiar voice chimed in.

Ben jumped. His mother came floating into existence and was at his father’s side. Ben’s stomach felt like a rock. He was tortured by the fact that he killed his father, but his mother… he was never able to kill her. She had actually tried to change him, not just in person like his father, who was constantly leaving him as a child, but in his mind- would reach out to him and just simply say his name and that was enough to shake him. Now both of their spirits, once haunting him, are right in front of him, saying they are proud of him.

Ben was shaking. Tears filled his eyes. They shouldn’t be proud of him. He killed all those innocent people; his father, for what? To prove that they were wrong? That they had wrongfully pre-determined his fate? To get to a girl that caused him pain and suffering, even till the bitter end?

Ben shook his head, his nostrils flaring and his throat tight from holding back tears. His mother could sense his inner distress and came over and placed him in a gentle hug. He again couldn’t feel anything, but just the notion of the gesture was enough to make tears fall. He wrapped his arms around his mother for the first time since he was a child. It felt strange, as he was much taller than her, but it felt right. It felt needed. He gazed at his father, who was smiling in approval. Ben could swear he saw tears in his eyes too. Ben again nodded and gave a faint smile to his father as a sign of respect and forgiveness.

Ben pulled away from his mother. He looked at the ring on her hand and something caught his eye. That ring… he had seen it before…  
It hit him in a rush of realization. That was the navigation ring she shared with Rey. He had noticed Rey wearing something like it when she sent herself to him in an escape pod.

Leia knew what her son was looking at. She could see the thousands of thoughts and emotions swimming in his eyes and across his face. Her heart dropped for him- he missed her. He loved her.  
She slid the ring off her finger and placed it in her son’s palm and curled his fingers around it and pushed his hand closer to him.

Ben stared astonished at his mother. A million thoughts filled his head.

“Yes, it still works.” Leia spoke, being able to read Ben’s thoughts.

Ben unfolded his fingers to expose the ring. He fiddled with it before activating it. His eyes followed a little red flashing dot as it slowly moved across the ring. He squinted to try to make sense of the map beneath the flashing dot. Where was she? He didn’t know why it mattered so much now that he was dead, but he had this burning need to see her; know she is safe, even if it was just through a blinking red dot. He had hunted her down plenty of times before; he always found a way to find her, and she returned the favor with him. Just the thought formed a sad smile on his face. Though Snoke had done terrible things, the one thing Ben was grateful for was that he had made the force connections between him and Rey, and he couldn’t have been happier that they had remained even after they took Snoke down.

The map came in clearer and he had seen that she was still on Exogal- but on the edge of that godforsaken planet. Surely she was heading towards his ship that she had stolen from him and was about to leave. But what was taking her so long to leave?

Ben looked desperately at his parents. “I need to be with her.”

Han and Leia looked at each other wearily, as if their son had no clue where he was.  
Of course he knew where he was. He knew why he was here, and he deserved to be in a far worse place for his actions. But in the end, he died a Jedi death- peaceful and respectful. Yet he felt so much pain and agony knowing he could’ve had a life of happiness had he not chosen the wrong path. Is this how he had made his parents feel once he turned? Is that how he made Rey feel…?

No wonder she fought him so much, and called him all those terrible, but true, things. He had made her feel like nothing- he had told her she was nothing. He would give anything to take it all back… but he could never let her see his vulnerabilities. He hated when they had first met and spoke in the interrogation room- how she had been able to tap into his mind and feel his conflict and his thoughts. Though he was sure she hadn’t appreciated him doing it in return.

“I think I can help with that.”

Ben stiffened at the voice. Instinctively he reached for his saber but his hand retracted empty handed. He had thrown it in the sea. It was gone. He clenched his fists at his sides. That voice sent rage through his body. He knew that he deserved to feel this rage; even Rey couldn’t have made him contain it… maybe.

Luke Skywalker walked through the sunset valley and walked cautiously but confidently towards his nephew.

Ben gritted his teeth. He felt anger, resentment. He felt the dark washing through him with no light to meet it; no leader to guide his dark anger. Just raw, untamed anger.

“This is all your fault!” Ben, no, Kylo bellowed.

His uncle kept his distance, but was close enough to strike. A chuckle came out of his mouth. “What are you going to do, kill me?” he joked.

This sent even more rage through Kylo. He wanted to; he wished he had on Crait, but it was just his force ghost, as he was seeing right in front of him now. There was nothing he could do to control his anger. No saber, nothing to destroy, no Rey.

Within his clenched fist he felt something poking at him. He opened his hand and found the navigation ring his mother had handed him moments earlier. Looking at the red dot, seeing Rey leaving Exogal, the longingness to chase after her... 

Ben closed his eyes. A scene flashed before him- it was Rey. She was in Snoke’s throne room after they had taken down Snoke and all his guards. She was shaking her head, looking at him with teary eyes. “Please don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way…” He could feel it in his gut, just like that day, in that moment. He could feel her desperation; her wanting for him to go with her, to set them both free. He felt the anger, but this time, it wasn’t directed at her. He felt anger at himself. For screaming at her to let go, for telling her she was from nothing and that she was nothing. For not being able to kill her, or even hate her.

Ben shot his eyes open with an exasperated gasp from the vision and his eyes shot right at his uncle. He slowly unclenched his fists and tried to soften his face. “Why do you want to help me? What’s in it for you?” Ben continued, trying his hardest to contain himself. “You’ve already gone down as the great Luke Skywalker, what more do you need?”

“To apologize” Luke cut in before Ben could continue.

Ben opened his mouth to continue but was too stunned for words to come out of his mouth. He studied his uncle carefully.

“I don’t trust you.” he said, anger still boiling in his soul, but residing slightly.

“I don’t blame you.” Luke agreed. “Ben, I did you wrong. I should’ve never interfered…” he said the word carefully, instead of using the word ‘attacked.’ “I was being selfish. I didn’t want the same story to repeat itself again… I should’ve just let you find your own way.” he sighed. “I know I caused this; at least some of it. By trying to prevent the same thing from happening, I jump started the beginning of the end, just like my father, your grandfather, had.”  
Luke cautiously got closer, so he was less than arms width from his nephew. “But if I have to take credit for who you are and what you’ve become, I couldn’t be more proud.”

Luke placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. Ben immediately flinched and his nostrils flared, jaw clenched, but then a different sensation washed over him… understanding? It felt like a knot in Ben’s throat- he had waited for this for so long. He had visions at night of getting his vengeance on his uncle; striking him down and making him bow before him as Supreme Leader of the First Order. He never thought he would hear his uncle apologize on his own terms…

Ben glared at his uncle’s hand on his shoulder and Luke got the hint and removed it. Ben stared Luke down. “How could you help?” he asked, hardly recognizing that it was his voice that spoke those words.

Luke snuck a sigh of relief out before explaining. “As you gave life back to Rey, I can give that life to you.”

Confusion knit Ben’s brows. “But… you’re dead.”

Luke had a shocked look on his face, his mouth ajar, and looked down at his body, his hands padding down his body. “When did that happen?!” he joked.

Leia walked over and smacked her brother. Luke stopped chuckling and cleared his throat. “There are different levels of the afterlife. There’s life, then death, then life after death, then the final death. Right now we are in life after death. I can transfer my life after death to you and since you are already there-”

“I will be alive again.” Ben breathed in realization and disbelief.

“And you will be gone.” Leia finished and looked at Luke. “You can’t just… no matter what, after everything you’ve been through, you cant just…”

Luke placed a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “Leia, I will be with you, always.”

Luke returned to Ben. “What do you think? I know it doesn’t make up for what I did…”

“No,” Ben said. “A life for a life. It makes sense to me.”

“Ben-”

“It’s okay, Leia. The kid needs this.” Han comforted her. He looked at his son. “He deserves this.”

Emotions were building in Ben’s chest. Was he selfish to think this was a fair trade? Was he stupid to trust the person who tried to kill him? Rey had tried to kill him, many times, and he trusts her more than anyone. Rey…

Ben looked at his uncle and nodded. “If this is how you want to repay me, I will not object” he said flatly.

Luke smiled. “I knew you would come around.” he went over and hugged Leia; kissed her forehead. He nodded at Han and Han swiped his fingers over his forehead in a farewell motion and that signature smirk that Ben had inherited.

Ben stood still and waited patiently for his uncle to come and revive him. Something felt off to Ben… he didn’t deserve to cheat death, and he was given more than enough chances when he was alive. He certainly didn’t deserve another chance with Rey…

Ben fiddled with the ring in his hand and looked at his mother, who came over to see her son leave- again. She tapped his shoulder and Ben understood- he bent down to her level. She put her hands on his face and pulled his forehead down to her lips. “I hope she gives you everything we couldn’t” she spoke so softly; so full of pain and regret, that Ben shifted to look his mother in the eyes. He felt so guilty; so pained. He had caused all these people; his family, so much pain, and all they did was try to make him realize that Ben was still in the shell of what Snoke had made into Kylo Ren. Trying to make him realize what Rey had known all along.

“Where will I go?” Ben broke the deathly silence that overcame the room as Luke was about to give him his final life. All eyes were on him; so many concerned eyes.  
“People will see my face and fear me. They will try to kill me, as they have every right to. What if I can’t find her before then?”

Han and Leia looked at each other sympathetically. They looked back at their son, pained that he had to think like that, in the midst of trying to find peace. Luke stepped closer to his nephew. “Then we better get this going before she gets too far.” His voice was hopeful and whole hearted.  
Ben nodded. Luke lightly placed his hands on Ben’s shoulders. He tapped into the force and deepened his breathing. Ben watched as his uncle sacrificed himself for him to have another chance at happiness. Luke slowly started to dissipate, and so did Ben. Their souls were bound now- Luke dissipating in his final death, Ben filling that void. Ben glanced back and looked at his parents one last time. They were embraced and smiling at Ben with tears in their eyes. They were no longer tears of pain and suffering Ben noticed; they were tears of hope.

Soon Ben was nothing but fabricated being, drifting into the air.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but much longer ones to come!

Chapter 3:  
Rey directed her attention on the control panel in Luke’s old ship. The seats were wet and the buttons were sticking, but she somehow made it off that tretorious and miserable place. She pushed the buttons as they glew and wailed for her attention and pushed the lever to activate light speed.

Rey sat back in the pilot chair and got lost in thought as she watched all the stars pass her by. Drowning out all the sounds made the view seem beautiful- peaceful, almost.

A pull in her gut interrupted her thoughts. She froze in pure agony. She had lost someone else. It was the same feeling as when Luke and Leia died, and Ben…  
Who was there left to lose?  
Her eyes widened. Finn. What had happened to Finn and Poe? She had been half conscious watching the war rage above her in Exagol as Palpatine struck her and took her life force- she had seen the endless amounts of rebel ships burst into flames. So many casualties… all because of her…

She shook her head, fighting the tears trying to release from her eyes. It wasn’t her fault. How had she gotten so absorbed into the war; with the cause? Then she remembered.  
Kylo Ren- or rather, Ben Solo. The thought of him was a whirlwind of emotions crashing onto her chest like those massive waves on the barren planet they had landed on just days before. Rey had stolen one of the Native’s ships to get through those waves to get to the death star to get that damned device to get her to Exagol. That’s where she found the reflection of who she really was- a Palpatine. A horrid, blood-thirsty dark sider. It had scared her more than any of the battles she faced, for her biggest fear was herself.  
Ben- Kylo Ren, she corrected, had met her there. He had witnessed her fear as she backed away from her true self and stumbled into the room where he eagerly waited for her. He was so sinister- how he could just find her the way he did. How he knew exactly what to say to get her upset; how he tried to force her to go to Exagol with him and smashed the only thing that gave her a choice in her life. He had taken that from her.

She felt anger ripple through her, then sorrow and pain. That was not who he was- she knew that, he had known that. He was trying to show her that he cared; it was a call for help, and she couldn’t see it in time. She immediately felt guilt and shame for thinking of him like that, when he had just saved her life. He had given her his life, and from the look on his face when her gaze met his, it didn’t seem like he regretted that decision one bit. She had changed him. She had accomplished many other feats that would seem to others considerably more of a triumph but her proudest moment was that moment when she woke up on his arms- Ben’s arms, his hand under hers, just taking each other in. And that kiss… she could not believe she had kissed Ben- a facade that had been hidden deep in her desires. Her expression softened as she remembered the soft brush of his cracked lips in return, and how happy and loved she had felt in that moment.  
And then like that, he was… gone. At the expense of her. She would’ve given anything for it to be the other way around; he had fought so hard against himself and against all those who made him feel inferior and like he was never enough- just like her. She would’ve loved to watch him from a distance as a force ghost to see what great things he could’ve accomplished once he turned. She hates herself for causing him so much pain, but she remembered that it was because of the pain and conflict she had caused is why he turned. She was the reason he was dead.

She shook the thoughts out of her head and wiped tears from her eyes. She examined the hologram map lighting the cockpit. She was almost back to the Rebel base camp. She was almost back to her friends, assuming they had survived. She flipped the switch and lightspeed ceased. She hovered the ship above the beautiful cascade of trees and looked for a place to land. She glanced down, admiring the beauty of the place. She saw the water in the distance glisten off the reflection of the ship’s wing. She found an open patch of dirt accompanied by other Resistance ships- that’s where she would land. She slowed and the closer her ship got to landing, the more her stomach turned. There were not a lot of ships left… but more than she had expected.

Luke’s ship hovered and made a nice, smooth landing, which surprised Rey. The ship was old and damaged from being wet, and her hands were shaking at the controls. She had no clue what she was coming home to, and she was scared to find out.  
Home.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:  
Ben gasped and bolted upright. He woke up in a place too uncomfortably familiar. It was a dark cave dim blue light flashing in the distance. The cave floor was cold and stung Ben’s skin.  
Exagol.  
Ben shot his head around, searching for Rey. Despair overcame him when he didn’t see her; he couldn’t feel her through the force. It was then he realized he was clasping something in his hands- the ring.  
Ben’s head spun. That was real? He had really died? His uncle really gave him his last bit of life?

Ben observed his hands and arms; patted down his body and sighed, rubbing his head. He was alive. He was really put here to be given yet another chance he didn’t deserve to find the one he so desperately needed- quite literally, his other half and equal counterpart.

Ben immediately tried to meditate and focus his mind. He wanted to form the force connection; he had to see Rey. He couldn’t stay focused enough. There were so many thoughts buzzing through his head, but one that struck him the most:  
What if I get to her too late?  
Ben didn’t think she was in danger, but there they were again- alone, back to square one. They only had each other. He was not sure if her friends had survived Palpatine’s viscous attacks, but even if they had, no one would be able to comprehend what Rey went through. They will praise her, no doubt, and call her their savior, but no one will truly feel the pain and suffering she went through. He would gladly take her pain and suffering through their force bond; he didn’t want either of them experiencing things alone anymore. They were 2 force-sensitive people- there was no need to have to go through things alone.

Ben activated the navigation device and it whirled to life, taking a moment to pinpoint its twin. The flashing red dot came to life and behind it, Ben studied the shape of the planet. It was a very small planet; one that would’ve been right under the First Order’s noses the entire time… the Rebel Base.

Ben’s gut wrenched as he had the realization that if- when he went after her, he would be on their territory; the territory of his former enemies. If he was to show up, he would be seen as a threat, an enemy-  
“A monster” Rey’s voice from his memory echoed in his head.

He stumbled back a few steps. His mind was playing tricks on him again, but instead of Snoke, it was Rey. Rey’s voice was torturing him, and it was so much worse than Snoke ever had been. Her voice was familiar, yet sounded so cold and vengeful. It was the voice of someone he hadn’t been able to kill; never would be able to kill. But in her tone, and in his memory, she wanted to kill him. This voice was of the Rey of the past- the one filled with hope that he- Kylo Ren, had destroyed, and caused her to become bitter; angry; fearful.

Ben’s breath was shaky but he regained his footing and swallowed his doubts, shaking his head. That was not the Rey he had known- that was a shell of who she used to be. That was not the Rey that had touched his hand beside the warm fire, or fought beside him to take down Palpatine, or the Rey that had kissed him.

Ben left his thoughts behind and let his impulses kick in. Looking at the navigation device once more, he ran out of the cave.

Ben’s eyes were blinded by the sunlight as he exited the cave. He put his hand on his forehead and squinted eyes, trying to find a way off the planet. He scanned the horizon and was amazed to see a tiny speck in the distance that resembled a ship- that was the one he had taken to get here to find her. He was amazed it was still there, in one piece, after all the attacks that had happened around it.

Ben ran, but he felt like he was going in slow motion, as he had when he ran to find Rey upon landing on Exagol. Ben frowned. He hated this planet.

He jumped into the ship and closed the door as the ship whirled to life. Buttons flashed and filled the ship with alarm sounds. After examination, the ship was damaged, but should have enough life left in it to get to one last location.  
Just like him.  
Ben lifted off and immediately jumped to lightspeed, hoping the damage of the ship would hold out for him, just this once, just for her. He did it once and he would do it again- if he has to die trying to get to her again, so be it.

As he sailed through galaxies, his mind raced and his heart was beating fast. Considering this piece of junk got him to his destination, what would happen then? Would Rey want to see him? No one else would want to see him…  
Loneliness set in again. All these times he had called Rey nothing, and in reality it was him that was. He was worried that she had lost everything that was important to her, but then realized that without her, he had had nothing to lose. He had no family; he had killed them all, or they had died trying to get to him. He certainly had no friends; not even any acquaintances. The closest thing he had before was Snoke- the puppetmaster that restrained him from making relationships with people, who had torn him away from everything he ever cared about. He had nothing to live for… except Rey. But if Rey had moved on with her life; accepted the loss of him already, Luke would’ve given his life for nothing. Ben’s stomach churned as he thought of another pointless, meaningless death. Thinking of all the deaths; all the people he murdered, to get to her… it was sickening.

Ben slightly shook his head and snapped out of his thoughts as the ship alarms rang. Ben looked at the navigation device and realized he was almost there, and by the sounds the ship was making, it seemed as though it was just on time. He pulled the lever and he launched out of lightspeed and hovered steadily over his destination. Instead of finding a clearing, he decided to land amidst a bunch of trees to go unnoticed. As he lowered the ship, the alarms sounded. Smoke filled the cabin. Ben’s hands throttled the shift stick to land the ship. The trees crashed and broke against the wings of the ship, making the landing rough and most probably far from unnoticed. The entire ship went up in smoke as Ben exited. He didn’t care- he didn’t need to go anywhere else. He was fine with being abandoned here, with Rey.  
Rey.

Ben closed his eyes and tried to focus, despite his heart doing cartwheels in his chest. He could never control the force connection between them; they had always happened on their own. But he had to try.  
There was a sharp pain in his gut. Though the force connection didn’t allow him to see her, he could feel her. He could feel all her emotions- excitement, sadness, fear; hope. It hit him like a brick, but he welcomed it. He wanted to take on her troubles instead of cause them. He let all of it wash over him, inhaling sharply as he cut the connection.

She was close.

Ben looked at the ring for his next direction. The flashing was faster now, as if the device was excited it was getting closer to its target. She was VERY close, less than a mile north of his location. He placed the ring on his finger and heart pounding, anticipation filling his body, he started walking through the thick array of trees. He was almost home.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:  
Rey composed herself as she braced herself to open the ship’s door. She was scared of what she would find on the other side of it. What if her friends weren’t there? What if she was left all alone again, after everything? Ben would’ve given his life for nothing. 

She scrunched her eyebrows together and squinted her eyes to try to erase the thought that had just escaped her head. With a shaky breath, she opened the ship door and prepared herself for the worst.

Rey was greeted by the sight of friends, family, and lovers reuniting. Tears of joy and sighed laughs of relief filled the air around Rey. She couldn’t help but let out a sad, forced smile. Of course she was happy for these people both that they had survived and that they had people to reunite with, but she couldn’t help but feel jealous, for she might not have that same happy reunion.

She weaved through the happy reunions, and people would pat her on the back and thank her as she walked by. She would glance at them for a moment and force a smile of appreciation, however her glance stayed straight ahead, bouncing her head in any direction to see over the heads of others to try to find them. She just needed to know they were okay…

After several minutes of weaving and desperately searching, she had locked eyes with them. A rush of relief flowed through her body and her emotions overcame her. Her lip quivered and tears started to fill her eyes, blurring her vision.

As soon as Finn saw her, he went barreling towards her, pushing people out of the way. Poe was following closely behind, but was trying not to push people more than Finn had already.

Finn was in front of Rey, after all this time. The last time he had seen her, she force pushed him out of harm's way, but that action harmed him more than Kylo Ren ever could have. He read the expressions on her face- she was overjoyed and emotional to see them, but he could see something behind the facade… pain?  
He didn’t hesitate another second and once Poe caught up with him, the three met in an emotional hug. His arm wrapped around her and Poe and they all let tears of relief wash over them.

Rey was so happy to see her friends alive, and was so warmed by their touch. She knew they were crying tears of joy, and she felt the joy of reuniting as well, but as soon as they pulled her into their embrace, her mind immediately went to Ben and the feeling of being in his embrace, finally getting to hold his hand. It’s not that she didn’t appreciate Finn and Poe’s embrace, but it felt… different compared to Ben’s; empty.  
She let her tears fall as she grieved all the losses she had encountered; all that she had caused, but Ben’s was especially on her mind.

After several minutes, the three pulled away and looked at each other, smiling through their tears. Rey locks eyes with Finn, remembering that what felt like long ago, he had something to tell her. It must’ve been pretty serious, because every chance he got he would mention it if they thought they were in parol and he wouldn’t see her again. Rey made him hold off because she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. Her face became more serious, as did Finn’s. Poe had seen Zori, the ex Spice Runner’s love interest, and patted Finn on the back and left the two of them there, staring at each other. Finn opened his mouth to finally tell her what he had been trying to since he met her, but he glanced over Rey’s shoulder and that all changed.

When Finn had pulled his eyes away from Rey, she was confused and hurt. She examined his face- his nostrils flared and his chest puffed out. His brown eyes were filled with nothing but rage.  
“Rey”  
It hit her in a wave of nausea. Her gut pulled as the familiar name spoke in her mind. Her legs turned to Jello as she slowly turned around to follow Finn’s gaze. She had only ever seen that look on Finn’s face once, in the wintery forest as he saw…  
It can’t be…  
That’s when Rey saw him. He was in the crowd, but the crowd quickly parted as they realized who this powerful force was. People screamed, ran, others whispered and stared. But Rey could only see him.

“Ben” she breathed in disbelief.

She walked towards him, their connection through the force magnetic. Her legs felt weak but she was somehow making strong strides towards him. Her heart was fluttering, her stomach was clenching. Before she knew it, she was standing before him, close enough to where she had to tilt her head back to meet his eyes. Those gorgeous brown eyes…  
Time stood still as they locked eyes. She searched his face, trying to find answers. How is this possible? Was this her mind playing tricks on her? How could Finn see him if it was just a force connection?

“It’s real, Rey.” his deep voice interrupted her thoughts.

He could see the emotions crossing her face like ships in hyperspace- quick, sudden; overwhelming. He could tell she was trying to rationalize everything without asking the questions she desired to hear.

He extended his hand out to her as he had in the past. But this time it wasn’t to join him on the dark side, or any side at all. It was an invitation to not be alone.

Rey’s concerned lips parted in shock of his repeated gesture and she inhaled sharply. She observed his appearance. He was in the same torn and tattered sweater he had on Exogal. No cape, no gloves, no mask, no weapon. He came completely exposed, for the first time. Her gaze went from his hand to his face, seeing if she could trust him.

Ben’s face softened. He nodded slowly, just like he had in their force connection on Exogal to indicate that he was really Ben, and he was there to help her.

Rey recognized that look, the familiarity washing over her in a blanket of comfort and happiness. A smile formed on her lips and confused yet happy tears filled her eyes. She couldn’t believe it. Ben Solo- her savior, was standing before her, offering his hand to her. Not Kylo, not a conflicted mix of both- just Ben Solo.

She slowly extended her arm towards him. Her hand was trembling but she never looked away from Ben’s beautiful eyes. She had seen the happiness and eagerness gleam in his eyes as he watched her extend her hand back to his. Their fingers were millimeters away from each other. Rey could feel the force hum and radiate between their almost touching hands. The pull in the gut Rey usually got when she felt Ben near ignited. She could feel his emotions and he could feel hers- they were both longing, so desperate for answers, no longer wanting to be so conflicted and alone. This is the moment Rey had waited for since the moment they met. It was so close…

A scream of pure rage erupted the tension. Rey whipped around in the direction of the scream, letting her arm fall away from Ben’s. What she saw was truly terrifying:  
Finn, barreling towards her; towards them, blaster in hand, logic to the wind, and a crazed look of vengeance in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly the warm, fuzzy reunion you were expecting, but this is true to their characters!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:  
Ben stares wide-eyed at the ex-stormtrooper barreling towards him. He felt queasy- it felt all too familiar. It was just like on that snowy night when he had his first fight with Rey. She was so young, so untrained… yet somehow was able to take him down, leaving the scar on his face and chest as her reward. Once he had hurt Rey, Finn had come at him the same way, full of rage. In both instances, Ben could sense different reasons to him being so angry. He was angry at Kylo Ren, for everything he stood for, and for forcing him since he was young to obey his cruel ways. He was also angry whenever he got to Rey- was it protectiveness of his friend? Or was it more… jealousy?

His gaze quickly met the back of Rey’s head, wishing she had still been facing him so he knew what to do. He looked to her for help; he always had. Now without her guidance, and him just redeeming himself, he didn’t want to lose her again. His muscles automatically tensed and his right foot stepped back, getting in a defensive state. His eyes were locked right to Finn’s but out of the corner of his eye, he noted something that almost made him lose his focus- Rey had done the same exact thing as him, at the same exact time. Had she sensed his thoughts or felt him through the force? He held back a smirk; she was fighting for him again, and it was the most thrilling feeling in the galaxy. It took everything he could to stay focused on the threat just feet away from him.

Both put a hand out in front of them and they connected through the force.

Ben could feel Rey’s fear- she didn’t want to hurt her friend and she didn’t want to hurt Ben. He could feel her exhaustion- physical and mental. She was done fighting; she thought she wouldn’t have to anymore. Ben felt a twinge of guilt for putting her in the position to fight, but he wanted her to know that he would fight for her, too, if threatened. And right now, she was.

Rey could feel Ben’s emotions in her gut- anger, guilt, shame, persistence; conflict. She had realized that he didn’t want to fight; he was just as done fighting as she was. He felt threatened because she had been in the line of fire. He wanted to protect her, as she was trying to do with him. She quickly glanced back and saw Ben’s pale face filled with worry but his eyes full of urgency. He didn’t want to disappoint her, but he wasn’t going to back down.

With this realization, she simultaneously put her other hand behind her and shot it towards Ben, the force humming from both hands. Finn was lifted off the ground and remained unharmed, hovering, his finger pulling at the trigger but the shot never escaping the gun. Finn looked at Rey in disbelief; confusion. Rey tried to steady her viscous breaths as she looked behind her to see Ben, frozen in his place, just like he had done to her their very first interaction in the forest. It felt like so long ago…

Ben looked at her stunned. He was astonished that she had literally put herself in the middle of them mid-fight. By Ben’s calculations by just looking at the blaster, it would’ve been a direct hit to his chest. She, once again, saved his life.  
Anger plunged to his gut. He had been impulsive. The dark was still in him. He was hesitant but he was still ready to put up a fight. He was angry at himself, and angry at Rey for stopping him from protecting her.

Ben locked eyes with Rey. He fought against her force as he saw beads of sweat form on her brows and watched as her body started to slowly crouch lower, her legs starting to tremble. He wasn’t able to move his hand, but he managed to move his fingers, just the slightest bit, and that was just enough. He sent force waves back at Rey, weak, but they were present.

Rey gasped at the sudden tug against her. She glared at Ben, still trying to focus her mind on Finn so he didn’t fall. Why was he doing this? Why was he fighting her? She was protecting him.  
A wave of nausea hit her. This is what he had felt all this time with Rey. When the First Order hunted her; it was always him- only him, who had dealt with her. He was protecting her from Phasma, Hux; anyone in the First Order that would’ve gone through with what Kylo was supposed to- killing her. The force was sending visions through her head- the interrogation room, the snowy forest, the dessert, Crait, and finally Exagol, where he had saved her life. He was sending her a message- he was threatened. He did not want to lose her again, and he would defend her at any means, no matter how much light consumed him.

Rey closed her eyes. She had fallen to her knees from the crippling amount of energy it took to keep up the weight of the force with both hands. It felt as though she was balancing the world on her shoulder; balancing the light and the dark to try to create peace and balance. Tears begged to release her eyes from the pain and pure exhaustion, and from the visions Ben had sent her. Sadness plagued her mind as she realized that Ben Solo was there, but he would always be haunted and tempted, and it was because of her.

Her face grimaced and she let out a scream of exhaustion as she let go of Finn and Ben. She had flicked her wrist to the side to send Ben farther to the right, just in time for the shot from Finn’s blaster to zip past his shoulder and hit a tree behind him. Finn fell to the ground and laid there, eyes wide, staring at Rey. Was that fear in his eyes…?  
Ben flew sideways and his arm had hit against a tree as he stumbled to regain his footing.

Everyone stopped their happy reunions and stood and watched the scene play before them in awe, all eyes on Rey. She was panting in exhaustion crumpled on her knees, staring up and scanning the crowd, watching their reactions. Rose and Poe ran to Finn’s side, helping him off the ground and making sure he was okay. He shrugged them off of him and backed up a few more strides away from Rey and Ben.Others pointed and gasped, looking fearful of Rey and the fact she had just saved who they thought to be Kylo Ren.  
Rey’s head slowly drifted behind her to find Ben, rubbing his shoulder as he slowly stood up and glaring at her before his gaze shifted into the distance to watch Finn’s next move. Rey followed his gaze but she instantly regretted her decision.

The hurt in Finn’s eyes darted into her soul. He was hurt, confused; terrified of what she had become.  
She parted her lips and furrowed her brows, shaking her head at Finn, trying to communicate it wasn’t what he thought; that she didn’t mean to hurt him.  
Scanning over the crowd again, she realized that all their faces read the same, but Finn’s hurt her the most. His eyes held something no one else’s in the crowd did- disappointment.

Rey squeezed her eyes shut before glancing at Ben. She couldn’t read his face anymore. It was that same powerful, dead look she had seen from him all the times he tried to push her away when he felt her get close to his past. She focused whatever remaining energy she had left to make a force connection to Ben, while his somehow alive form stood in the distance.  
Go into the woods and go to my tent. I will be there soon.

Ben’s scattered breaths tried to calm, but his eyes were darting around wildly. When he felt the force connect them, his nerves calmed slightly and his shoulders untensed. He blocked out some of his mind- there were things he didn’t want her knowing. He wanted to argue at Rey’s request. He didn’t want her to have to deal with his consequences alone; he wanted to help explain things. He was scared to leave her out of his sight again. He was scared he would get ambushed on the way there, before he had a chance to reconnect with Rey.  
Go.  
This time it was an order. Ben slowly nodded his head at her in response.  
Rey raised her head high. “We need to call a meeting.” She said, surprisingly calm and unnerved.

The massive group of spectators- of rebels- listened to Rey and started heading to what Ben had guessed was the meeting hall, in a small cabin-like building across the field. Ben took one last look at Rey, who wasn’t looking back at him. He was stunned by the strength and composure in her voice as she ordered the rebels. She was a great dictator- leader, he corrected.

His senses were keen as he walked through the empty woods alone. The leaves crunched from underneath him and pine needles stuck to the bottom of his shoes. The wind was blowing gently on his face and made the leaves rustle upon the treetops. He embraced it with a long inhale, taking in as much of the fresh air as he could. He had never smelt such a thing since he was a child. There was no smell of blood; no screams filling the air; no flashing red light coming from his hand.  
He hadn’t received directions through the woods, but he kept feeling a passing pull in the gut, intensifying as he was getting closer. He could somehow sense her living quarters, as if she was there. His gut pulled again as he saw a little pitched cloth tent in the distance. He walked towards it curiously, wondering what Rey possibly had in there that pulled at him so much.

Just outside the tent there was a little fire pit made out of stones with logs surrounding it.  
Ben’s mind flashed a vision of him and Rey, in the force connection when she had searched for Luke. She had been in front of a fire. Even though Ben could only see her, he felt the warmth between them, even before they touched hands. She was drenched and in a blanket, so he had pieced together her surroundings. The vision flashed to her hand reaching out to him. He slowly took off his glove and reached towards her as well, feeling comforted by the warmth and comfort of the fire… and her. They had barely touched hands and the vision blurred and faded.  
Ben inhaled sharply. The vision had stirred something in him- regret. He had taken her hand; why did the vision not replay that part? He had taken it and didn’t regret it.  
Monster. Murderous Snake.  
Her words had shaken him. They were just memories. Terrible, horrible memories… 

Ben violently shook his head, trying to shake those horrible memories of his past out of his mind. That memory of them touching hands… that was supposed to be a pleasant one. He had touched her hand just before Luke interrupted. He remembered that after his uncle severed their connection, he could not sleep after. He was restless. He had seen Rey’s true heritage- a Papatine. That changed everything. She was something bigger than the both of them; bigger than the First Order and the Resistance. And yet despite his rising fear, it wasn’t a fear of Palpatine- it was a fear of her. Her power was far more dark than the other of them wanted to admit, to the point where it scared him. She was training with Luke, who would only be able to tame the light. No amount of training could contain that pure, raw, sinister energy she had inherited. It was always going to be there; it was a part of her. A part of them. They were a dyad- both dark and light bestowed upon them, one balancing out the other. Or that was the idea, anyway. It scared him because he had heard stories as a child of Palpatine, from his father. Growing up thinking he was dead was reassuring for a kid, but growing up and knowing those stories are real and finding out he was alive… finding out that the girl you have been connected to in some way, was his granddaughter. He was scared of how dangerous she could be, as was she. He was scared because even though in that moment when he had finally found the truth she so badly desired that he could taunt her with to get her to come to him, a part of him feared her bleak ending and knew he would do anything to change that.  
And he tried. Hell, he tried. He held out his hand to her twice more as an escape from her bleak future; the terrible fate that had been bestowed upon her. He wished he could’ve told her sooner. He wished he didn’t have to use it as a threat to get her to come to him to give him the clarity he needed- just to see her; know she was safe.  
Never safe from you.  
A voice that mimicked Rey’s echoed in his head. What was happening? He had replayed her words in his head before; plenty of times between their force connections, but never like this. It was a mixture of memories and things that had never happened, but the degrading and crippling truth of the words were mixing the two together, making it hard to decipher what was real and what was not.

Ben pushed forward. He was not going to be ruled again, even by his own thoughts. He had gotten this second chance (more like tenth chance) for a reason, regardless of how much he doubted he deserved it. He did deserve to be happy; to find peace and balance. And the only way he could ever do that is with Rey. She was a part of him and he was a part of her, for better or worse. He wished for her sake that he could detach himself from the force bond and from the dyad. He would have done that ages ago had he known all the pain he would end up causing her. So much pain…

Lifting up the corner of the cloth folding to the tent, Ben’s eyes scanned the inside. It wasn’t much- there was a sleeping bag, a few pillows, and a little lantern. His gut pulled with intense pain and his head ached. There had to be something else he just wasn’t seeing…

He stepped in and stepped around the sleeping bag and pillows. Tucked away in the back of the tent was a tiny bookshelf. As Ben knelt down to get a closer look, his head pounded and throbbed. His eyes widened and he stumbled backwards, tripping over the pillows and falling to the ground outside the tent.

The Jedi Texts.

Ben cautiously stepped back into the tent and found one of the texts ajar. He knew he shouldn’t be snooping, but something was pulling him in that he couldn’t control. Curiosity took over him as he hovered the open text. It took him a moment to decipher the title of the article she had been reading. It had been a while since he had even touched those books. His brows furrowed as he tried to remember the symbols. He reached a shaky hand out to touch the page of the book. His eyes widened. Tingles were sent up his spine and his mind whirled. Volts of pain drew up his spine, similar to the feeling of Palpatine shooting him with electricity and draining his force from his body.

The page she had open in the book… it was about life force transfer.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:  
Rey stood in front of the Rebel Alliance- all eyes were on her, but none of them friendly. Rose had escorted Finn to the meeting, though Rey desperately wanted to talk to him alone. In moments of uncertainty she would always look to him for reassurance, and now she didn’t even have that.  
Despite all the people around her, she was truly alone again.

Rey mustered up all the courage she had left and cleared her throat. The room was already pretty silent, minus the whispers and mutters that followed with a nasty glance, but now it was deathly quiet. She didn’t even really know what to say or how to even start explaining what happened on Exogal. But she tried her hardest to make it simple.

“That man you saw out there was not who you thought he was. Ben Solo has returned, and there is no reason to be scared.”

The room erupted into mass chaos.  
“Liar!”  
“Traitor!”  
Insults shot towards her and they hurt her more than any scrape or bruise that Kylo Ren had ever given her.  
He had hurt her…

Rey’s confidence was wavering fast. “Please, you have to believe me.” she begged. “There are things that people won’t understand, and couldn’t no matter how hard I tried to explain it. You have all accepted me with open arms before you even knew me, and I have gained your trust from then on.”

“How are we supposed to believe you if you can’t even tell us the details?” The voice came from Finn, who was staring at her from across the room. His voice boomed louder than any of the other insults.

Rey’s heart shattered. He had always been on her side, even before they knew each other. Why did there have to be sides…?

She had to tell them. She wanted to keep it quiet; keep it stilled in her mind. She wanted it just to be her and Ben’s secret. It only involved them, and something about that comforted Rey. But another part of her felt like she was betraying the people who had confided in her and relied on her for their cause; her friends, and those who she even considered family. They would never see her like that again after she told them the truth.

“We are a dyad in the force.” her voice was firm; proud.  
She had never truly known who she was or what part she would play in all of this; but Ben had made her realize, just as his counterpart Kylo Ren had always said, that she played a bigger part than either of them; any of them, had expected.

Silent gasps echoed through the room, but all Rey could notice was Finn. She had stared him right in the face as she told the truth. His mouth parted and his brows slightly furrowed in absolute worry. He shook his head slowly. “No…” he whispered.

“What does that mean?” another asked.

“It means that together, we are both light and dark. There is no separation, one is good and one is bad. We are both, and we are one- darkness rising with light to meet it. Separate… it is fatal, and the very thing that caused the war to get to the extent that it had.” Rey explained, trying to shake the nervousness of what would come next.

“What would the General have said?!”

Rey froze at the comment. Leia… she had died reaching Ben, and she had known all along what Rey was. Luke knew, too, and yet both of them tried to help Rey reach Ben because she knew she was not only part Palpatine, but also part of Ben in such a deeper way than even they would have understood.

“Leia gave her life with a final attempt at reaching her son and it worked. Her son turned and gave his life for my own on Exagol. I think she would be more than proud.” Rey shot back defensively.

Finn’s expression changed from hurt to mortified shock. “Rey…” he said softly.

She kept her gaze steady at the crowd and lifted her chin to keep her stature serious and strict.  
“Ben came to help me on Exogal bearing no weapons, no mask, no cape, as he had done here today. Palpatine had sensed the dyad and knew we could defeat him; together. He stripped us of our force and struck us down, if only for a moment. We had taken him down together, and it was too much for my body and I was gone. Ben, somehow miraculously alive, selflessly gave the remains of his life force to me.”  
She was getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. What had happened when she was dead? And that kiss…  
She took a deep breath. “I saw him die the death of a Jedi- he dissipated in a notion of peace. I don’t know how he came back, but I am confident it was morally just and serves a true purpose. He saved a life- my life, and that shouldn’t count as nothing.”

'You’re nothing.' Kylo’s masked voice seared in her brain.

Rey composed herself once more. “I have stayed loyal and faithful to the cause before I even knew what it was, and the only reason we succeeded and all of you are alive is because of him.” The statement was bold, but true.

The room fell silent. Everyone looked at each other with unease. No one knew what to say; what to do.

Poe stood up, slowly and cautiously. “We will have a further discussion regarding the fate of this at our expense. Rey, please step outside.”

“But-”

“Go, Rey.” Finn snapped. He looked so confused; so hurt. “Please.” his voice turned into a whispered plea.

He may as well have shot her with his blaster. It hurt- it hurt so incredibly much. The way Poe had cautioned his motions knowing who she truly was, as if he feared her, the way Finn had spoken to her; it was all building up.

Swallowing her pride, she nodded, averting the eyes of all the other rebel alliances. Lando, Maz; everyone who had helped her discover herself, all looking at her with fear and pity. She started walking towards the door and made the mistake of looking Finn in the eye on the way out. She didn’t want to, but she had to take one last look at her friend. She had a feeling this would be the last time she would see him for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:  
Ben had taken a seat on the log by the firepit. He stared at the pile of ash and was lost in thought. Why was that page of the Jedi texts open? How did she even get those? Was she planning on killing him and had that part of the force memorized in case she couldn’t fully go through with it?

His throbbing head and spinning thoughts got interrupted by the sound of rustling leaves in the distance. Ben immediately stood and his hand instinctively reached down for his saber, that, no surprise, still wasn’t there. He decided to clench his fists instead and stand in defense for the threat coming towards him. He spun around, trying to locate the direction of the sound. Everything echoed in the woods and everything was so quiet. It was nearly sunset so the shadows covered most of the light left which made it difficult to see whatever was coming at him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a shadow walking towards him. He fixed his gaze and realized it wasn’t a threat at all; it was Rey.

Why hadn’t he sensed her coming? Was he too lost in thought? Was he accidentally blocking her out? Was she blocking him out…?  
He watched the silhouette come closer to him. It looked like she was carrying something. When she was a few feet away, she had noticed it was a bundle of clothes.

Ben calmed down a little and stood in place watching Rey as she approached him with her hands full of clothes. Something about her seemed different. She had changed into a different scavenger outfit- it was grey. It looked very similar to the one she had worn when she came to talk to him the day they took down Snoke. But there was something else different about her. Her face seemed emotionless and her movements weren’t hasty. It was like she was moving without purpose.

Ben looked at her questionably. This was not the Rey he knew… what had happened in the meeting?

“I see you found your way alright.” she stated.

Ben forced a small smile. “It’s never been very hard to find where you are or once were.” he was still trying to figure out what was wrong with Rey.

She forced a smile in return and handed him the pile of clothes. “I got you some fresh clothes. Here’s a towel. There’s a lake just a little north of here to wash up in. Go wash up and I will get a fire started.” her tone was monotone and to the point.

Ben accepted the clothes and nodded and started walking to the lake. He wanted to turn around and ask her what happened in the meeting and why she was treating him so coldly. Was she still mad that he fought back through the force when she was trying to save him?

Ben observed the clothing in his hands as he neared the lake. The shirt was a dark navy blue with long sleeves, but the texture was smooth and lightweight. The pants were black and baggy with pockets. Simple clothes and tasteful too, but where did she get them from?

When Ben reached the edge of the lake, he scanned his surroundings to make sure no one was around. When he determined he was alone, he slipped off his shoes and removed his tattered, dirty clothes and threw them on the ground next to a nearby tree as he slowly descended into the refreshing lake.

The water was cold but refreshing. Ben splashed water into his face as he sighed and let himself soak in the still water. He was crouching under the water and sat until the water became still around him. Tiny ripples expanded near his chest as he breathed. He looked across the lake. The sunset on the water made the water look black in color, but the sunlight glistened across the surface, making white spots glisten and dance across the lake. It was beautiful and serene; calm.

All things considered, Ben would’ve found this to be a peaceful moment had he not been thinking about Rey’s expressionless manner. He had never seen her like this before; she was always filled with so much passion and was never really good at hiding things from him. Had she known he was snooping in her tent? There’s no way- he couldn’t even feel their force connection when she was nearing him. What was happening with their force connection? Did it still work? Could he use it to tap into her thoughts and see what had happened when he was left in the woods on his own?

Ben sighed and closed his eyes. No, he couldn’t do that to her. He needed to gain her trust and keep it, which meant no prying for answers anymore.  
For now, anyway.

Ben stood and limbered over to the towel placed next to the pile of clothes Rey had given to him. He brushed the towel over his hair to dry it before wrapping the towel around his waist. He once again scanned his surroundings. The sun had just set behind the base of the trees, turning the sky a beautiful mix of yellow, pink, and red. It was truly unlike anything Ben had ever seen.

Ben sighed as he slid on the clothes that Rey had given to him on. The water made the clothes cling to his body, but they were otherwise comfortable and fit well. Seriously, where had she gotten these?

Ben slipped his shoes back on and headed back towards Rey’s camp. Despite the darkness masking his sense of direction, he walked towards the billow of smoke rising above the treetops. As he approached the camp, he took in the scent of the campfire that Rey had started. He had smelled fire before, but never like this. The fire he had smelt before was that of destruction; burning ships, burning buildings, and even bodies, and the sounds that came along with it were never pleasant. But this fire- he could smell the freshness of the wood and could hear the crackle of the flames, but the rest was silent. There was no bitter smell of burning plastic or flesh; no screams. Just the crackle of the fire and the soft rustle of leaves beneath his feet as he approached Rey.

Rey was settled on the log he had been previously sitting on. Her gaze was fixed on the flames but she quickly glanced at Ben as he sat on the other end of the log.

“The clothes fit you.” she stated.

Ben nodded. “Where did you get them?”

Rey hesitated. “I found them in the Falcon. Figured they were your father’s so they would be a better fit than any others I could get my hands on.”

Ben flinched. He was wearing his father’s clothes. Now that she had said it, he could smell it on the fabric. The faint smell of freshness and spice with a hint of campfire smoke filled his nose in a waft of terrible memories. The last time he had been close enough to his father to smell his signature scent was when...  
When you killed him.

A vision appeared of him killing his father. He could see the concern and sadness in his father’s eyes, followed by the shocked and pained look after the red glow of the saber passed through him. He saw his own expressions- the struggle in his head temporarily silenced.  
“Nooooo!”  
He heard in his vision the very familiar scream of Rey. In the vision he looked over at Rey and his expression changed to one of concern and the struggle resumed inside his head.

Ben gasped with shaky breath as he snapped back to reality and looked at Rey. She looked frightened, like she had relived the moment as well. That was impossible, but Ben was sure she had the same thought when she had grabbed the clothes.

Rey steadied her gaze softly at Ben, letting her guard down a little as she had observed the fear that flashed through his face. “I’m sorry… I know it’s not ideal, but I didn’t really have much to choose from.”

Ben’s breath steadied. “No, it’s fine. Thank you.”

They both stared at the fire in silence. The only thing that could be heard was the echoes of the owls and other animals of the forest that roamed at night. Even in an unknown territory, Ben felt safe around Rey, and hoped he had the same effect on her.  
Rey looked at Ben with her eyebrows furrowed and a confused look in her eyes. “How are you here?”

Ben explained the whole thing, right down to making amends with his family. When he explained he saw his mother’s ring, he held his hand out towards Rey to show her the ring. Her lips parted and she looked at her wrist to see her navigation device still there. She had forgotten all about it until now. Ben had placed his hand on his knee as he explained the rest of the story, but Rey’s eyes stayed glued on the ring.

Ben didn’t emphasise his need to find Rey nearly as he had during the actual moment, but he had hinted enough to where she would get the point without him having to look desperate. He didn’t want to scare her.

After Ben finished his story, Rey nodded as she absorbed everything. Her eyes were fixed on the fire again. Ben’s gaze followed her lead. They sat in utter silence.

“Why did you come back?” Rey asked, her soft expression meeting Ben’s.

Ben looked back at the fire. He couldn’t meet her eyes. He thought he had explained it well enough already. “You know why, Rey.”

Rey’s heart rate quickened and her cheeks flushed pink, but she nodded as calmly as she could. She knew he was referring to the kiss, and what that meant for them.

“I wasn’t ready to find out what happens when there’s only one half of the dyad left. I didn’t know if your friends had survived, and I knew everyone you cared about was gone. I didn’t want you to be alone again.” Ben spoke as neutral as he could.

Rey’s glance quickly met Ben’s again and they locked eyes. Her eyes were moving back and forth slightly as she tried to read his expression and process what he was saying. What did he think would happen with the dyad split in two…? They had been for all her life before she met him, although things weren’t great then either, but could it get worse than that…? Rey’s mind hung on his words about not wanting her to be alone again. Both of them had fought their whole lives feeling scared and alone. So was he trying to say he wasn’t ready to leave her? Was he scared of being alone again?

Ben saw Rey’s mind working as he observed the emotions flicker across her face. She seemed confused and concerned. Ben really wanted to know what she was thinking. Maybe he could try to read her mind…  
No. He promised himself he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t want Rey doing that with him, especially after having that vision of killing his father again. She didn’t to relive that, though Ben knew she had thought about it at least some since, as she had a habit of bringing it up in their force connections.  
Ben broke away from their eyelock as he shook the thought of reading her mind out of his head. He could feel Rey still staring at him and trying to read him. Had she sensed he was hiding something? Just in case, Ben focused a little bit of his force to block his thoughts from her possible intrusion.

“Sooo…” Ben lingered, trying to change the subject. “Are we going to talk about it?”

Rey blushed, catching his nonchalant reference to their kiss. “What is there to talk about?” a playful smirk cracked upon her lips.

Ben genuinely smiled back and shook his head. She was unbelievable. She was so strong willed she wouldn’t admit that she had a moment of weakness for him, and has all along.

“Don’t be afraid- I feel it, too.” Ben repeated his words carefully. Last time he had said that, he was referring to the conflict in her; in them.

Rey’s lips parted as she got a shiver from the memory of the context of those words.

She stared at the fire again and wrapped her arms around her to keep warm and to comfort her wandering mind. She thought back to when he had said that to her and when he offered his hand to her twice. She had seen his pained looks when she rejected him each time. It had haunted her mind everyday since and plagued her with guilt. It was similar to the look of the counsel’s faces as Rey told them about their dyad. Rey flinched. She had walked away before they had made a decision, but she knew what they were all thinking. She needed to beat them to the punch.

Rey’s gaze hardened and her lips pressed together. “You need sleep. We need to leave first thing in the morning.”

Ben was brought out of his thoughts. “What, why? Where will we go?”

“I don’t know yet, but you don’t belong here. They don’t take your presence as a welcoming one and you aren’t safe here. I will figure it out by morning.”  
She wouldn’t meet Ben’s gaze but she could feel him staring at her.

Ben stared in disbelief at Rey. What was she saying? What had they said in that meeting? “Rey… what happened at the meeting?”

She snapped her head in his direction in defense. She took a deep breath and defused her explosion on him before it happened. He didn’t deserve it; he was just worried about her. “Nothing… I just don’t think you will be safe here. And I know you can’t feel comfortable here at your old enemy’s base. I just think we need a neutral place until things settle down.”  
Ben was taken back by her words. A neutral place? No light, no dark; just a place? They had scavenged and destroyed most ‘neutral’ places in the galaxy. And even on the ones they haven’t, there will always be people who side with the dark and those who side with the light.

“I will keep watch, you need rest.” Ben stated.

Rey flashed him a look of disapproval, but didn’t argue. She had used the force out of both hands today; she didn’t even know it was possible to muster up that much at once, especially as when she was as exhausted as she had been from Exagol. There were so many questions she wanted to ask Ben; so many things she wanted to tell him. Her tiredness was taking over her and clouding her judgement to keep asking him questions. She nodded, stood and headed towards the tent.

She turned around and looked at Ben, who was staring at the fire lost in thought. “Ben,” he turned around and looked at her. His eyes were hopeful, as if he had wanted her to acknowledge him one more time before sleep overtook her. “Thank you.” she said sheepishly.

Ben let a little smile be seen in the dim light of the dying fire. “Yeah, you too.”

And with that, Rey disappeared into the tent for some well deserved rest.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter, but a lot happens!

Chapter 9:  
Ben’s heightened senses came in handy for lookout duty. He had never been in this position before; usually he was being the one being looked after by stormtroopers, though he would almost always sense something coming before they did.  
Ben would every now and again scan the forest setting in a slow 360 degree motion. The silence of the forest was daunting; he had never been in a place this quiet before. All that could be heard were the birds and other little native critters of the forest in the echo of the gentle wind. Even in his quarters on the Star Destroyer he could still hear the clunking of the Storm Troopers and the alarms of the ship outside his door. And even if had tried to drown out the sounds, Rey would always come to his mind… He could see her face, hear her voice, hear her screams and insults, see her tears…

Ben pinned his eyes closed at the horrible memories that were plaguing his mind. He was here, with Rey, as Ben Solo, not the ‘creature behind the mask’ she had once seen him as.

Ben stood and made his way towards the tent. He pulled the flap out just enough to let a sliver of light from the fore enter the tent. He looked at Rey’s sleeping face and made sure to stay quiet and still, as he knew how jumpy she was. She looked peaceful. Her face was soft and the only part of her that wasn’t still was her eyebrows, which furrowed every now and again. She must be dreaming, Ben thought. He wondered if he had plagued her dreams as she did his. Her shoulders rose and fell steadily with every breath. Ben’s heart skipped a beat. He had never seen her this peaceful or vulnerable. Her guard was always up in defense of anything she saw as a threat. It was strange; to see her with her guard down.

He sighed and closed the tent and let her sleep in peace. He laid on his back with his feet planted, knees towards the stars beside the log by the fire. He rested his entangled hands on top of his ribcage and closed his eyes, just feeling his own breathing. He looked at the glistening stars, lost in thought. The kiss with Rey on Exagol flashed across his mind. The way she was so hesitant at first, then all at once, threw all caution to the wind. She had pulled him in gently but quickly and with purpose. Her lips had been cracked from the fight but soft otherwise, and they seemed to press into the shape of his unsuspecting lips perfectly. He was so nervous… he wanted to grab onto her with every ounce of life he had left, but he didn’t want to scare her. He knew he had to be gentle with her, no matter how shocked he was from her actions; no matter how long he had waited to do the same thing to her. She had jokingly pushed off talking about it earlier, but why? Was she ashamed? Did she regret her decision and tried to hide it behind her wit?  
Ben thought back to her blush and smile when he had brought it up. No, she couldn’t have been ashamed with that reaction. She was embarrassed. What if Ben hadn’t died? What would have happened between them after the kiss then? Ben would’ve definitely kissed her again the second she tried to pull away. Too many times he let her slip away too soon, and that wouldn’t have been one of those times. But what after? Would they have ended back at the rebel base like they were now? Would everything have played out the same as it had now, with there being this tension between them, both hiding something from the other?

Ben’s eyes scanned the sky of the millions of stars shining above him. He began to wonder what would come of the galaxy now, with no First Order and no Resistance; no order at all. How was that going to work? Would everyone just live in peace? Would wars wage between planets between their own people? Would a new order rise to take control?  
A New Order…  
It had a nice ring to it. That was essentially what Ben had wanted with Rey all those times he offered his hand. At first it was to get her to the dark side to rule with him, but after he had killed Snoke… it became alarmingly aware to him at how compassionate he was for her and it scared him. He didn’t know much other than he knew he couldn’t kill Rey and that he couldn’t go back to the First Order after killing their master. He had placed himself in this strange position where he had a realization that it could all end right now. Both of them could put an end to the war and start a new empire of their own. Part dark, part light, as they both were. Their dyad would make for a great ruling conquest, making them nearly unstoppable. He would never have to worry about losing her again as long as he was there to protect and rule alongside her.

Ben let out a shaky breath. The thought of it still excited him, especially after seeing the way she handled the cold crowd of the Resistance earlier. He had no real desire to rule again, but he truly believed they could rule in a peaceful yet effective manner. If only he could get Rey to see that way… it seemed like she was running from something anyway. Maybe he should mention it again…?  
No. Things were still too tense between them; too many questions unasked, too many answers withheld. He would have to wait a little longer.

Ben propped himself up on his elbows and lost himself in his thoughts until he started to notice the sun rising in the distance. He had to wake Rey up, and they apparently had to go.  
***  
“Rey” a hand rested on her shoulder and jostled her softly to wake.  
Rey’s eyes shot open and she bolted upright to look at the voice. It was Ben Solo, looking alarmed and confused by her abrupt reaction.  
Rey groaned and rubbed her head with the palm of her hand. “Sorry… not used to having anyone with me to wake me up.” she groaned tiredly.

Ben smiled down on her. “You better get used to it.”

Ben’s words soothed and reassured Rey. She stretched and yawned. She felt bad showing how well-rested she was in front of Ben, who was on watch all night, but that is the longest and most blissful sleep she’s had since she can remember. No nightmares that she could remember, no monster plaguing her thoughts-  
That monster is the one by your side all night.

Rey looked alert and shocked at the voice, looking past Ben’s shoulder and in the trees to try to figure out where it was coming from.

Ben’s concerned eyes met hers. “Rey, is everything okay? What’s wrong?”

Rey sighed. He hadn’t heard it, and she couldn’t even feel him try to read her thoughts. Why was her mind betraying her like this?  
“Nothing. Cmon, let’s get going before anyone else gets up.”

Rey stood and grabbed a bag she had packed in the corner before she went to bed. It had another spare set of clothes for each of them as well as one of the Jedi texts on it, just in case. There was also an emergency knife in there, which was their only form of a weapon at the moment. Not that she wanted one or even thought they needed it, but it would be reassuring if she did, just in case-  
In case he turns on you again.

Rey’s heart thudded but she did her best to hold her confident composure as she slung the bag over her shoulder and walked out of the tent as Ben held the flap open for her. She lead him back to where all the ships had landed yesterday. Upon seeing all the ships, she furrowed her brows and turned on her heel to find Ben directly behind her.

“How did you get here?” she asked. He was alarmingly close. She could feel his warm breath exhale on her forehead as she looked up to meet his gaze.

“A ship.” he answered plainly, a playful smile trying to escape his lips.

Rey scoffed at him and rolled her eyes. “What ship?”

Ben looked off in the distance and to the right, where he could still see the smoke slowly billowing above the trees. He pointed his finger in the direction.

Rey followed Ben’s finger and saw the billowing smoke. “Oh.” She thought. She couldn’t take Poe’s ship; he was the first line of defense and was the General, as appointed by Leia. She couldn’t take his ship in case a situation rose where he needed to take control. The ship she had stolen from Ben was destroyed at their destination… she thought of just the ship, but Ben wasn’t going to like it…

She lead him to the ship and Ben stopped in his tracks behind her.

“You have got to be kidding me.”  
Rey listened to Ben’s stern and wavering words. She turned around and realized how much distance he had put between them this time as he had put the pieces together. She looked at his skeptical eyes staring at the ship. His skin was pale.  
“I’m sorry Ben, but it’s the best I can do.”

She turned around again and walked up the ramp to the Falcon. She heard Ben’s slow and hesitant footsteps making his way up behind her. She walked to the control room to check that the system’s were in good shape before they took off. When she returned she found Ben in the doorway of the ship staring at the ground. Her expression softened as she walked closer to him. She could only imagine how hard this had been for him to be here… in this ship… his family’s ship, after all these years…

Rey reached her hand out and she grabbed his hand tightly, which caused him to jolt and meet her gaze.  
Rey tried to ignore the jolt of sparks that ran through her fingers and up her arm after touching him. His hands were clammy and warm and shaking beneath hers. “We’re going to get through this- together.”

Ben looked down at their hands and then back at Rey’s eyes. Rey watched his expressions cross his face. He was stunned that she was touching him, he was longing to live in her words and hope that truth was held within them. There was something else there, too- was it fear?  
Ben, sensing that Rey was digging a little too deeply, stood tall and walked through the door and pressed the button to close it behind him.

“Let the past die.”

Rey shuddered at hearing Kylo Ren’s voice in her head. Her head throbbed, leaving behind the pain and suffering she had felt when he said that to her the first time. When Rey looked at Ben, she was stunned to see him have the same shocked look on his face. Had he heard it, too? She knew by the throbbing of her head that it was definitely in her mind and not said aloud, so either he was reading her thoughts or…  
Or he had the same fears.  
***  
As soon as Ben saw Rey looking at him with that stunned look, he brushed it off like nothing happened and walked to the pilot control room.  
He slumped in a chair without much thought, still thinking about that strange sensation of hearing himself as someone else; the monster that Snoke had created. He knew why Rey had feared him all this time; the voice was jarring. It wasn’t until he was already lounged in the chair that he realized he had instinctively sat in his father’s chair.

He felt a pull in his gut and he immediately bolted out of the chair. He stared at it and tried to steady his breathing. Memories flooded his mind.  
A young Ben Solo ran down the corridors of the Millennium Falcon, head in the clouds as he played with a paper airplane. His little lips made the little helicopter sound to accompany the fast twists and turns the young ‘pilot’ was making the plane endure. Young Ben ran into the strong leg of Chewie and landed on his bum, a shocked expression on his face. Chewie made one of his noises; Ben had hoped he could understand what Chewie was saying.  
Ben picked himself up and hobbled over to his father, his arms crossed and sniffles escaping his nose.  
“I don’t think Chewie likes me.” young Ben pouted.  
Han Solo picked him up and rested him on his shoulder. “Why do you think that, kid?”  
“Because he talks in a language I don’t understand.”  
Han laughed. “Nah, that’s just how Wookie’s speak. You’ll get the hang of it one day, kid. But in the meantime,” he plopped young Ben in his pilot chair, “you need to learn how to play with a real aircraft!”  
Han swiveled the chair and let young Ben try to reach the buttons and press them since the ship wasn’t running. Ben’s laugh echoed through the ship and through the blurs of the swivels of the chair, Ben saw his mother in the doorway smiling and shaking her head at her two boys, with Chewie standing beside her and encouraging the silliness.  
“One day, I wanna be a pilot just like you, daddy.”  
Han smirked and gave young Ben a noogie. “You’ve got awfully big shoes to fill there, Ben! Your old man’s the best pilot in the whole galaxy.”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
“Uncle Luke!” Ben squirmed out of his chair and struggled to walk in a straight line to where his uncle stood.  
Luke picked up his nephew and embraced him in a hug. “I sure hope you are a better pilot than your father!”  
Young Ben giggled. “Challenge accepted!”  
“And to prove it…” Luke put his nephew down on the ground and handed him a little lazar pen. “I think you should carve your name under the seat, since it will be yours one day.”  
Ben giggled and ran between his father’s legs and began to write his name under the seat with the lazar pen.  
“Careful, Ben!” Leia raised her voice.  
“Don’t worry, it won’t puncture through much.” Luke shrugged.  
“You’re always such a help.” Han shook his head at Luke and smiled.  
Ben pointed to his father’s seat. “I did it! It’s MY seat now!” He taunted his father.  
Han squatted and looked under the seat and surely enough, Ben had carved his name through the metal.  
“Thanks, Uncle Luke!” Ben ran over and hugged around Luke’s legs.  
“Yeah, thanks, Uncle Luke.” Han muttered.  
All of them smiled at each other and took turns playing paper airplane with Ben.

Ben flashed out of the memory with a deep shuttered breath as if he had held it during the entire duration of the memory replaying in his mind. He gripped onto the back of the chair to support himself.  
“Ben, are you okay?” Rey cautioned closer, but she kept her distance.

Ben slowly knelt down next to the chair and carefully ducked his head under the chair. Sure enough, he saw his childish writing engraved in the metal.  
He was so stunned that he went to stand abruptly and hit his head on the base of the chair. He grunted and slowly rose back to a standing position.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” he trailed off while rubbing his head with his hand.

“Did you want to drive, or…?” Rey had no clue what was happening, but thought it was strange he doubted his seat in the pilot’s seat.

Ben shook his head. “Nah, not yet. I think I’m going to lay down for a bit. That is, if you don’t need a conscious co-pilot.”

Rey shrugged. “I’ve been fine on my own all the other times. Why don’t you lay down back there and I will wake you up if I need anything?”

Ben nodded. He wanted to argue, but he was so taken back that he couldn’t find the right words to say to her to thank her. He slumped back in the chair behind and to the left of the pilot seat so he could still see Rey. He wanted to make sure to see her both in case she did need help, and because it was always a nice sight to drift off to sleep.

“Are you ready to go?” Rey asked.

Ben nodded his head. “Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

She swiveled in the chair and faced him. “Does it really matter?”

Ben couldn’t help but smile at that comment. She knew he wouldn’t mind going anywhere as long as it was with her. A part of him was bothered by the fact that she knew that, until it dawned on him that she had asked it because she felt the same way. And even if she didn’t, he was too tired to argue with her right now.  
He shook his head. “No.”

Rey let a quick smile appear on her face, but it disappeared almost just as fast. “Ok then. Get some rest; I will wake you when we get there.”

Ben nodded as Rey swiveled back and turned on the ship. The loud hum of the motor and the beeping of the buttons activating made Ben flinch, but he settled right back down as he felt the ship hovering the ground. He watched Rey as she took control of the ship. The fleeting thought of how great of a ruler she would be passed his mind again, but he quickly dismissed it when he saw how sad Rey looked. She stared down below them through the window at the place where she had called a meeting. The pained look on her face hurt him… why wouldn’t she tell him what happened? Was him showing up that much of a painful inconvenience for her?  
Ben ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He needed to relax and get some sleep. He would try again later to talk to her about it but for now, he was ready for sleep to overtake him. He was almost scared to fall back asleep; the whole death experience really scared him. One second he was there embracing Rey as she kissed him, and the next he was just… gone. He didn’t want to close his eyes and miss a moment of her; he was so scared to leave her again. His irrational thoughts were met by rational ones. She was smart and brave and had held her own her whole life before he came along- she would be fine. Plus she said she would wake him if she needed him, which made Ben really hope she could wake him not because there was something wrong, but just because she needed him. Ben allowed his eyes to close and he tried to ease himself to sleep as he had watched them float away and jump to lightspeed.  
***  
As she shot them into lightspeed, Rey couldn’t help lingering her gaze where the meeting hall had once been below them. That was her last encounter with hers friends; who probably didn’t even see her as a friend anymore. She hadn’t even gone back to know their decision, and judging that they didn’t even attempt to find her to tell her, she was pretty sure she already knew the answer. She had to beat them to it. She couldn’t hear those words from the people she considered as the closest thing she had to a family. It broke her heart how scared and fearful they were of Ben, even though he was defenseless, and it hurt even more how fearful and scared they were of her after discovering her connection with Ben. For something that was supposed to create balance, it seemed to be causing a lot of issues…

Rey sighed and swiveled back to look at Ben, who was already asleep. His breaths were steady and his body was relaxed. She watched his fingers twitch every now and again in his sleep and how his brows furrowed occasionally. He must be dreaming, she thought. She had never seen the almighty Supreme Leader Kylo Ren so peaceful before. He looked so harmless in his sleep with his moppy black hair falling on his face and his lips slightly parted. It was hard to believe that this guy did all the actions his did.

Rey shook her head and was halfway back to the controls when she remembered Ben’s reaction with the chair she was sitting in. She swiveled back to face Ben to make sure he was really asleep, then slowly swiveled back to the controls before slowly and quietly kneeling next to the chair and sticking her head under it.  
At first she didn’t see anything special, but one of the flashing control lights blinked and reflected off of an uneven surface that caught her eye. She squinted to focus on the jagged metal more as the light flashed again and she was able to see what Ben had freaked out over.  
An airy and quiet gasp escaped her parted lips and her eyes widened in realization. She reached her hand out and traced the jagged letters; B-E-N. The ‘N’ was backwards, which made a sad smile flicker across Rey’s face. Tracing the letters, she realized that Ben had had a flashback of his memories as a child on the Falcon. Rey’s heart felt heavy- just her thinking about what young Ben Solo’s life had been like before things got rough with his parents and before Snoke; it had to be so hard for him to relive all over again, especially after the fate of his family and the part he was forced to play in it all. It all wasn’t fair.

Rey quietly stood and sat back in her chair and glanced back at Ben again. His body would flinch every now and again but he otherwise seemed fine. Maybe when he woke she would ask him about his times as a child traveling the galaxy with his mother and father and Chewie, and maybe even Luke was there, too.  
She swiveled back and focused her attention on the ship’s GPS where she punched in the familiar coordinates and watched as the ship put them on the right course.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY long chapter, but sooo much action!

Chapter 10:

“Ben, wake up.” a soft voice spoke.

Ben groaned and scrunched his eyes closed once more before opening them to find the blurry outline of Rey. She was crouched by his chair and her hand was gently placed on his bicep. At the realization of her touch he squirmed against it and sat up, her hand trailing down to his.

Rey’s lips parted in shock at their fingers touching. She cleared her throat. “We’re here.”

“Where’s here?” Ben asked, trying his best to see through the window, but the shields were up and were blocking his view.

Rey kept her hand on his and looked him in the eyes. It was a sad yet hopeful look. “C’mon, I will show you.” her head and hand pulled in the direction of the door.

Ben slowly got out of his chair and stretched, all the while holding Rey’s hand. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t let go. It just felt… right. He felt safe, and though he was nervous about not having a clue where she took him, he was okay with walking into the unknown with her.

Ben followed Rey’s lead as she walked him to the door of the Falcon. She pushed the button and the door opened, letting bright sunlight blast into vision. Ben took his free hand and blocked the sun’s rays until his eyes could adjust. They walked down the ramp and Ben stumbled slightly on the uneven ground that met the bottom of the ramp. Rey’s other arm automatically went to Ben’s back to support and catch him. When Ben recovered, he let his eyes adjust and looked at the sight before him.

It was absolutely beautiful. The ocean was crystal blue and the sounds of the crashing waves against the jagged rocks made a calming wave flow through Ben. He inhaled and the air smelled of fresh grass and herbs, with a hint of salty ocean spray. The wind blew through his hair as he rotated to see the mountains and cliffs around them, each one steeper than the next. Little cottages lined the path of the mountain they were standing on.  
Ben felt a familiar force through the air. He was sure he had never been here before; he would’ve remembered it. But something inside him told him this place was familiar…

Rey looked up at Ben’s confused face and tried to read what he was thinking. Did he realize where he was yet?

Rey smiled and pulled Ben’s hand to get him to look at her. “I want to show you something.”

Ben followed Rey blindly as he tried to figure out where they were. It was beautiful, but why here? How did she know about this place? After a few minutes of walking on the uneven, rocky ground, Rey stopped in front of one of the stone huts and looked up at Ben for a sign of approval. Ben was still so confused. That internal feeling of familiarity felt red hot in his stomach, and it was frustrating him that he couldn’t figure it out, especially since Rey looked like she was awaiting some sort of revelation from him.

“Rey, where are we?”

Rey scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Go inside.”

Ben looked down at her, and she gestured her head towards the entryway. He walked inside slowly and investigated. There was nothing special about it. It was a small stone hut, about 7 foot walls and ceilings, with natural open windows. The ground was just dirt but there was a blanket on the ground. Ben bent down and picked it up and a vision flashed before his eyes as he held the blanket and looked at the firepit in the middle of the hut. He saw them, he in Starkiller Base and Rey, well, here- hands extended, and a gentle touch that sparked between them. The blanket was around her shoulders.

As the vision left as quickly as it came, he dropped the blanket in shock and looked at Rey, who was leaning against the stone doorway. “I know this place- this is where we first-”  
“Touched hands.” she nodded her head. 

“I thought Luke destroyed this place, and that’s why our force connection broke?”

Rey pursed her lips. “Yes and no. After he gave up hope on me because I was so adamant about giving you another chance, I left. I came back after Exagol and his force ghost came to visit me. He must’ve fixed it before my second visit.”

“Why here?” Ben was trying to pull the pieces together, but couldn’t seem to find an answer.

Rey locked eyes with Ben. “Because here is neither dark nor light, good or bad. It is a combination of both; balance and peace, which is what we both fought so hard for. This is where we first touched hands; where you first made me truly feel I wasn’t alone and that I had some sort of meaning not to one side or the other, but to myself. This is where I saw your inevitable fate to turn and do what was right. This is where…” she trailed off and looked into the distance. “This is where I felt most at home.”

Ben’s heart jumped with shock and gratitude. Rey had just said that here, with him, she felt like she was home. He walked towards her and put a finger under her chin and he lifted her face to meet his. He looked into her eyes and could read the flustered look on her face. She was flustered at her words and nervous of Ben’s reaction. Ben couldn’t help but give her a soft and sad smile.

“You’re not alone.”

Slow tears rolled down Rey’s blushed cheeks and she allowed a small laugh of relief to escape her lips as she replayed the moment he had first said that to her. “Neither are you.”

Ben slowly started to bend his head down closer to Rey. His heart was beating out of his chest. What was he doing? Rey had initiated last time; he just went along with it. What if that was a one-time thing and she did it out of appreciation and not out of lo- caring? What if she didn’t feel the same way? That’s not possible, right? She had just said that he had made her feel she was at home.  
He had thought about that moment long before it happened- that night at the fire when they touched hands he could see it; feel it, yet had no clue what he was doing. He had never felt anything other than pain and anger and suffering for the past… well, since Snoke overtook his mind as a child. To feel the sense of giddiness and an exciting on-edge feeling like when they had connected with the force all those times; he had never felt that kind of intimacy before. It was as if discovering a new planet in the galaxy only he knew about.

Ben watched Rey’s reaction as he got closer to her face. Her eyes were darting wildly from his eyes to his lips and back. She looked happy, excited, nervous, scared. Her lips parted slightly and she instinctively shrunk her head backwards in hesitation. Her eyes locked onto his and her brows furrowed as she looked at Ben Solo.

Ben smiled at her puppy dog eyes. Her hazel eyes were so full of emotion; so full of life. He closed the small gap left between their lips with a soft and careful kiss. Shivers ran down his spine like electricity had struck him. His body tensed against her touch before slowly relaxing and melting into her touch. His lips were cracked and dry from the battle at Exogal but hers felt soft against his.  
He felt Rey flinch as he placed his other hand gently on the small of her back. He pulled his hand away and broke the kiss, his concerned eyes meeting Rey. Something was wrong.

Rey’s eyes met his, confused as to why he pulled away so abruptly. She started reading his thoughts. Rey smiled when she realized that he was scared he had scared her away with his touch. She reached out and grabbed his hand which made him flinch in return before she placed it back on the small of her back where it had been moments ago. Ben looked at her in confusion and she nodded, letting him know she was okay.

Once Ben was reassured that Rey had been okay with his touch, he bent back down and connected their lips once more. Rey had pulled away after a few seconds only for Ben to connect their lips in a small string of kisses. He had no clue what was happening to him; it was overwhelming- intoxicating, even. Not because of the sparks (though that was a plus) but because of the feeling of being cared for and about. Knowing someone cared for him and chose to be there with him on their own terms. Knowing the someone who did care for him was someone he had cared for since their first fight in the forest, and knowing he would care for her all the same, if not more.

Ben reluctantly pulled away. He didn’t want to scare her off. He didn’t realize it until he had leaned his forehead closer to hers that both of them had been breathing heavily. Ben’s eyes scanned Rey to try to read her as best as he could without tapping into her thoughts. Her core was shaking slightly and her bottom lip trembled slightly. It wasn’t until then he realized that his core was working hard to intake a full breath and his shoulders were rigid.  
Ben created a little space between them to get a full look at Rey. The sun was hitting perfectly off her figure, making a perfect silhouette of light around her. How fitting, he thought. The wind whipped around her scavenger outfit and her hair fell loose at her shoulders, the wind causing her to tuck strands of hair behind her ear. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were wide and full of expression. She looked stunning.

“What were your plans for dinner?” he asked awkwardly.

Rey smirked at his awkwardness. “I was hoping you would ask. This should be fun.”  
She took Ben’s hand in hers and led him down the cliff and across the island.

As Ben followed Rey down the rocky path, he couldn’t help but think what her and Luke were like together training. He knew she had tried to replace her missing father figure with Han, then Luke as a substitute. It wasn’t an uncommon feeling; searching for something to fill a void. That he knew they had in common, if nothing else. That’s what he sought after in Snoke- guidance, patience, purpose. But what had she seen in Luke? By their force connections he collected that Luke had been bitter and resentful towards her, which is why he only told part of the story about the destruction of his Jedi Training Academy. And Rey being who she was- persistent and overly full of hope, never gave up until she got what she wanted; yet another thing they had in common. Isn’t it ironic how the things that caused them to rival against each other all this time were the things that tied them together?

Rey stopped at the edge of a cliff and clung onto a large spear, looking back at Ben.

Ben frowned. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Rey shrugged. “It might not be as glamorous as whatever you were given in The First Order but this,” she shook the spear in her hand. “This is how we survive out here.”

Ben’s heart ached as he realized how Rey has always had to fend for herself. She was never served food; she always had to work hard for it with no promise of gaining it. The word ‘survive’ echoed in Ben’s brain. He wanted to do more than just survive; he wanted to live- something neither of them had really ever had time to experience.

He walked over to Rey and reluctantly watched as she taught him how to spear fish with a heavy clumsy tool as the one she had gotten. The ocean was relentlessly wild and made it difficult to focus on one spot and even more difficult to try to spot a fish underneath the raging waves, even despite the height advantage. Rey had caught one flawlessly as she demonstrated to Ben what to do; of course she did. She always one-upped Ben. In mind games, in battle; in every aspect. They would always be in constant competition with each other.  
Ben grabbed the spear from Rey and lifted it slightly out of the water and tried his best to focus in on one spot. All he could see was the black depths of the ocean and the white waves as they splashed against the cliffside. After waiting a few moments, he plunged the spear into the ocean. When he lifted the spear to find nothing, he frowned in annoyance.

“There has to be an easier way.” he complained.

Rey smirked. “I’ve never seen you give up on anything so quickly before.”

“I guess that’s the Ben in me.” he muttered.

Again and again he plunged the spear into the water and again and again it came back empty. Ben growled in annoyance which prompted a laugh from Rey.

“It’s not funny!” Ben was irritated, but it was hard to stay too mad at the sound of Rey’s laugh.

Rey calmed her laughter and sat on the ground next to him. “Just focus; steady your mind.”

Ben stopped in his tracks. His mind… he had used the force many times to sense Rey’s presence, could it work with any other life forms?  
Ben closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as he reached his hand out over the cliff. He steadied his mind and focused on the energy flowing through him. His fingers twitched as he sensed movement beneath the ocean- he could feel the fish, and he now had complete control over its movements. His fingers wrapped themselves around the force and he slowly pulled the fish out of the water. He had to go slow and steady his focus because the fish was giving him a good fight. He could feel himself getting tired quickly as the movements of the fish against the force were rapid and unsteady. When the fish finally stopped fighting, he guided it to the ground beside them.

He opened his eyes and he could feel his legs shaking, trying to find their stability on the uneven ground. Looking at the fish his eyes widened; it was massive! It was probably at least 50 pounds and as long as Rey.

Ben looked over at Rey, who was looking at him with jaw dropped and eyes wide. She was absolutely dumbfounded. Ben smirked and shrugged his shoulders up as if to say, ‘I told you so.’

Rey rolled her eyes at him. “Quit gloating, that ego should’ve died with Kylo Ren. Have fun carrying that back!”  
Rey picked up her fish, which was probably only about 20 pounds and started descending the cliff, leaving Ben there in defeat, not having thought out how to get it back to their hut.  
Their hut.

Ben bent down and hoisted the fish across the back of both of his shoulders with his arms wrapping around it for support. As Ben followed in Rey’s tracks, her statement had hung in the air- “should’ve died with Kylo Ren.” What did that mean? Did that mean she had wanted to kill him all along? If she hadn’t had her relentless hope with him, would he already be dead at her hands? Would she? Could she? And most importantly, is that part of him truly dead?  
What if it wasn’t? The anger is still there; when Finn had come at them his Kylo instincts had kicked in, regardless of the reason, they were still there. Was he ready to give up that part of him…? That part of him was created to cope with the years of hurt that had been bestowed upon him; it was a facade as much as his actual mask. It was to keep himself hidden. Now that he was out of hiding, would he want to stay that way forever? What if Rey forced him to go into hiding again? Could he really leave her and leave them both alone again?

Ben’s head spun with wicked ‘what-if’ thoughts that seemed as evil and manipulative as Snoke. He centered his thinking. He was with Rey, alone, on an island she believed to be special and specific to them. She was teaching him her ways and he hoped he would have something worthwhile to teach her in return. They kissed; again. All these things had to count for something. Maybe he could learn more than just fishing from Rey; maybe he could learn how to have hope.

The walk back seemed much further than the walk there, especially with a 50 pound fish. Ben entered the hut and plopped the fish next to the fire pit. Panting with relief, he looked outside the hut door and looked at the sunset. The sky was a mix of brilliantly bright colors- red, pink, yellow. The sun was large and seemed close, the orange orb radiating heat across the horizon. The colors glistened and danced off the surface of the dark ocean. The crashing sound of the waves instantly relaxed Ben.

Rey got up from her seat at the fire after poking her slowly roasted fish a few times. She joined Ben at the doorway, leaning her hip on the opposite side of the archway and cocking her head to the side to admire the view. Ben didn’t have to look over at her to know she was watching the sunset with him. He could feel her want to be near him, but he could also feel a pull of uncertainty in her gut as she looked at him. He could feel her looking at him and his face felt warm, but he was hoping it was just the sun against his skin. He couldn’t even remember the last time he felt the sun on his skin without his mask and gloves. His skin was so pale and craved warmth; maybe that’s another reason why he felt a pull towards Rey.

They ate their fish in silence. Ben picked at his fish but didn’t eat much. There was this familiar feeling pulling at him. It felt cold and unstable, and it made Ben weary. After picking at his fish, he got up and walked towards the doorway. Ben immediately regretted turning around to look at Rey when he was met by her sad, scared eyes. He was leaving her, just like everyone else had in her life, some of which being by his own hand. Guilt plunged into Ben’s throat.

“I’ll be back,” he promised.

Rey nodded slowly and looked at the ground. Ben’s heart clenched; she couldn’t watch him leave. He had felt the same way with her many times before- their force connections, everytime he offered her his hand and was rejected, and on Exogal. He turned on his heel and walked out the door, not daring to look back again.

As he wandered the island, he decided to follow his gut feeling of familiarity. He could feel himself getting closer with every step. Sweat lined his forehead and his breath staggered from the steep climb. When he looked up towards the top of the hill, his gut clenched and burned as he saw what was drawing him closer- his First Order ship, dark and charred. And next to that, the Jedi Temple.

As he approached his ship, every bone in his body ached from the climb and from the memories. He could hear whispers coming from the ship, though he couldn’t hear any distinct words. He followed the soft chatter as he approached closer. There was something pulling him closer; beckoning him to look inside the broken window. He obeyed. Peering through the broken glass window, the chatter got louder and sharper. Ben’s heart stopped as he met the object beckoning him- his mask. Just being in the presence of the mark of his past life was enough to chill him to the bone, despite the sweat on his forehead. The wind blew through his long black hair and sent shivers down his spine. The once calming sound of the crashing waves now seemed menacing and destructive. All because of the one object left from his past; the past he so desperately wanted to forget.

His hand was shaking as it reached out through the broken glass to touch the helmet. It was calling to him; he had to know why.

His hand touched the black and red helmet and he was immediately welcomed by the cold material. A bolt of energy jolted through his body as a vision appeared.

Darkness engulfed him and everything in his surroundings. In the distance he could see a tall dark object. A glint of red appeared as he engaged his crackling light saber as a light source. He walked closer to the object, realizing it was a throne. There was a dark cloaked figure next to it. The closer he got the more familiar the figure became. It was the ghost of himself; the facade he created- Kylo Ren. He was cloaked in black with his cape flowing behind him and his mask covering his face. Beside him was a slender yet powerful figure. The energy radiating off of it was intense and overwhelming. When the figure lifted their head, the cloaked hood fell to the floor and revealed a girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. Her stance was strong and her expression matched. She handed Kylo Ren a bo staff which he crushed in his hand. His other hand reached out and gave her a small clunky object. There was a sudden burst of red escaping from each end of the object- a double-ended lightsaber. The crimson of both their lightsabers reflected off the dark floor.

The scene changed. Crimson blinded the vision and screams roared and echoed throughout the scene. Bodies scattered everywhere, some all too familiar- Han Solo, Leia, Luke, others unrecognizable. Chewy ran around roaring in despair over one of the bodies. Moving closer, the vision focused on the body. It was the same girl from the scene before. Ben felt a burning and agonizing pain in his chest as he looked down at the beautiful broken body in front of him. Anger seethed through his body and he felt like part of his own essence was disappearing; burning in a red hot fire of despair. He could hear his own heartbeat in his head, drowning out the terrible screams and making everything seem like it was going in slow motions. He saw people’s mouths open with no sound. He saw people running away but to no destination to run to. He whipped his body around in search of the killer. 

The vision zoomed out and found the face of the killer- he stood on a fallen boulder, fire engulfing their surroundings. His nose was flared and his eyes glared maliciously over the wreckage before him. Anger rippled and radiated through his body. His dark brown eyes looked directly into the vision and a callus smile formed on his lips. The ex-storm trooper, the traitor, lifted a gold lightsaber and slashed at Ben through the vision. Ben parried and dodged all his blows and reached his hand out, using the force to knock him aside. The traitor recovered just as quickly as he was knocked down and with bared teeth ran full speed at Ben, reaching his hand out and used the force to freeze Ben in his place. He smiled maliciously and slowly circled Ben, observing him with disgust. He played with the saber in his hand, doing tricks with it to intimidate Ben.  
“You will pay for all the deaths you caused; including hers.” he nodded his head regarding the girl from the throne room.  
“How it must feel; to be truly and utterly alone all over again. To have everyone you know and love killed or taken away. To watch it all play out in front of you while you are completely defenseless.”

Ben growled and tried to shake himself from the force grip, but no luck. The force thrashed and buzzed off of him, making every muscle weak with each push. His mind was fuzzy and his thoughts were incoherent and irrational. He wanted to kill this man for killing the one he loves.

The traitor’s eyes flickered as he read his opponent’s thoughts. “You tried to be something you’re not. You want to kill me; hurt me in any way you possibly can. I may have disagreed with her about many things but there is one thing she got right: you are a monster.”

Anger was replaced by shame. Ben gave up fighting against the force, allowing his opponent to strike him when his guard was down, gold lightsaber meeting his chest before everything went black.

Ben shuddered and gasped as he stumbled back from the helmet, falling back onto the fallen pieces of his ship. Glass pierced his hands as he caught himself but he felt nothing. His breath was shaky and his heartbeat was rapid. He tried to make sense of what he saw but his thoughts were so scattered that he couldn’t get the images out of his head, much less interpret them. Had that been FN-2187? He doesn’t have the force… does he? He certainly didn’t seem like he did with his lack of skills when they fought in the forest. Why had he killed Rey? Did something happen at that meeting on the rebel base that caused Rey to flee from him; from all her friends she fought so hard for, rejecting him in the process in order to keep them? And the throne room… that had been them, together, ruling the planet, just as he had wanted. No Resistance and no First Order; a New Order, run by the dyad of the Grey Jedi’s. How had she gone from ruling by his side to dead at the hands of what she considered to be her friend? Or had he killed her…?

“I had a feeling you would find it eventually.”

Rey’s cold voice shook Ben out of his thoughts. He had been so consumed with the vision that he didn’t even feel her through the force. She stood a few feet behind him, shifting uncomfortably in the presence of his past.

He pushed himself to a standing position, inhaling sharply at the pain as the glass dug deeper into his palms. Rey flinched at his pain, sensing it through the force. She walked towards him while unwrapping the cloth she wore around her wrists.

“Here,” she said, “Let me help you.”

She led Ben to a nearby rock and sat him down on it. She knelt by his side and tried to avoid eye contact as she gripped her hand around his wrist. Ben was watching Rey’s movements but his mind kept flashing back at the vision; seeing the blood in the corner of her mouth and her glossy eyes staring at the sky. His gruesome thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain in his palm.  
Ben yelled out in shock from the pain, ripping his hand away from her grip and his eyes shot to Rey’s, who had a piece of glass in her hand that she had pulled from his. She was startled by his outburst and slowly placed the piece of glass on the ground beside her, her worried and sympathetic eyes never leaving his. Once he realized what she was doing, he nodded his head once in acceptance and appreciation as he slowly surrendered his hands to Rey to allow her to continue.

She looked at him cautiously before breaking eye contact, once again wrapping her hand around his wrist. She pulled out the pieces quickly to make the pain go away as fast as possible. Hearing his silent cursing under his breath and the occasional grunt pained her. She couldn’t deal with causing others pain, even if it was when she was trying to help them. There had been too many deaths; too many injured in the war, and far too many losses in general. Loss of lives, loss of loved ones, and loss of friends.  
She pulled out the last glass piece from both hands and wrapped the cloth tightly around his palms, her hands lingering in his for a moment before pulling away and standing up.

“The pressure should slow the bleeding. There might be more supplies to clean it out with and more bandages in the Falcon’s med kit. We should be getting back there anyway; it's getting dark.”

Ben looked at his wrapped hands, thumbing his palm with his other hand. His eyes were at the ground; he found it hard to look at her for long without the vision popping back into his memory. “Why did you follow me?”

“I was worried.” she stated simply.

Ben felt a strain in his head from the force; she was trying to read his emotions. He immediately blocked her out and growled. “You’re wasting your time.”

She stood silent. “What happened, Ben?”

“Nothing. I just wasn’t expecting to see my ship here; especially burned.” he glared at her.

Rey’s cheeks turned pink. “I told you I came here after the Death Star; that’s when Luke must’ve repaired the hut.” she defended herself. She looked at the broken and confused man in front of her. “That had to be really hard for you; to see your ship again.”

Ben looked past the ship, trying to blur the memories out of his mind. He nodded slowly to acknowledge Rey. His eyes fixed on a ruin in the distance. It looked similar to the hut, but on a much larger scale. That familiar pull met his stomach, and by the sound of Rey’s shaky breath, she felt it, too.

“The old Jedi Temple.” Rey said, locking her eyes on the Temple. She had felt his reaction to it.

“So much for neutral.” Ben said flatly.

“It is ironic; how your ship is right next to the old Temple. ‘Darkness rises with light to meet it,’” she quoted Snoke.

Ben shuddered at the thought of his old master’s voice telling him that. He had used that to manipulate Ben, however he was right in this case; that’s what the dyad was. They balanced each other out as the dark and the light balanced themselves.

“C’mon, we should get heading back before it gets too dark.”

Ben nodded but couldn’t stop looking at the Jedi Temple. He imagined Rey training with Luke in the temple; telling her about the ways of the force; doing everything he should have. She never really talked about their training; they didn’t really talk much about anything. It was a strange feeling; not wanting to be alone yet not speaking much about their lives.  
He reluctantly tore his glance away and followed Rey back to the Falcon. When they re-entered the ship, Rey went to go check on the controls and technical aspects of the ship while Ben wandered his old mobile home. He dragged his hand against the wall as he walked, just as he had when he was a child. He wandered down the corridors until he came to his parent’s old room. He opened the door and slowly walked inside as he flipped on the lightswitch.  
The room itself was pretty basic; a large bed, a ceiling fan, a dresser, and a window. He could feel his mother’s force throughout the room. His chest hurt and his eyes painfully closed as he summoned a shaky breath, choking down more memories.

“Did you want to sleep in the hut instead?” Rey’s voice broke the silence.

Ben turned to meet her glance, which was also sad at the memory of his parents. She had thought of them as her own; and because of him, they were both dead. He would never be able to live that down; killing his own parents haunted him as it was, but knowing he had hurt Rey so many times while he was trying to find himself…

Ben nodded. “I think that’s a better idea.”

They walked out of the ship and back to the hut. Rey started another fire in the firepit to keep them warm from the harsh ocean breeze. Ben looked at her bare arms curled around her knees that were to her chest. He picked up the blanket on the ground and walked over and put it around her shoulders. A small smile formed as a sign of appreciation as Ben returned to his seat on the other side of the fire. He was keeping his distance which she found strange. Rey stood up and walked around the fire to take a seat next to Ben. His eyes didn’t leave the fire, but she felt his tense shoulders relax a little next to her as they brushed against hers.

The silence between them was daunting. Rey knew something had happened at the ship; she had rarely seen Ben that shaken before. Whatever it was must’ve been major. She decided to try to change the subject.

“You look exhausted- we should get some sleep. Tomorrow I want to take you to the shore and show you something I found when I was here before.”

Ben shook his head. “No, I will keep watch. You flew us here; you need rest more than I do. I will keep watch.”

“Ben, we’re safe here; you don’t need to keep watch.” she said softly.

“Just let me-” he started to raise his voice but took a deep breath to calm himself after seeing the fear flash in Rey’s eyes. “Just let me do this; at least for tonight. Please.”

Ben immediately regretted raising his voice. He had seen that look from her too many times; he needed her to trust him. He wished he could tell her about the vision; let her know he was just doing this to protect her. She wanted to know; she tried to read his emotions, which got on his nerves and made him think that he couldn’t fully trust her, either. He couldn’t tell her; he didn’t want to scare her more than she already was of the world. They both needed peace, even if it was only temporary. He needed time to try to interpret the vision; was that their fate that he saw, like when they touched hands? Was it just random thoughts playing into his head? Were they his inner fears?

Rey sighed. “Fine.” she slipped inside the sleeping bag on the ground and threw the blanket back at Ben who caught it from behind him without even looking. Once she settled, she rolled on her other side, her back to Ben. “Goodnight.”

Ben wanted to say something back, but he didn’t know what to say. Her voice was so cold; she was mad at him, despite all his efforts to try to change for her. It didn’t help that he had been so secretive and the fact that his anger came out…

He sighed and clenched the blanket Rey had tossed at him between his hands. This feeling that kept crawling back; it was all too familiar; all too scary. It was fear- and there was no worse feeling in the galaxy to Ben.


	11. Chapter 11

Ben stared at the fire until he sensed Rey had fallen asleep. He then looked behind his shoulder at the sleeping form of Rey, watching her shoulders rise and fall as a sign of life. He tried to not think of the visions from earlier; they instilled more fear than he had ever felt, and the worst part was the uncertainty of what it had all meant.  
It was killing him not knowing why Rey left the Resistance. She had fought so hard to keep her friends safe; even shipped herself to him so he wouldn’t find their location in the process of trying to find her. It would be so easy to figure out what she was thinking if he could just…

His thoughts were interrupted by thrashing and whimpers coming from behind him. Rey’s once peaceful form was now fiercely fighting her own thoughts in her unconscious state.  
“No, no, Ben… please…”

Any hesitation left in Ben disappeared as he put his hand out and connected himself to the force.

They were in a desert, the hot wind blowing sand particles across the scene- Jakku. He looked to his right and found Rey chasing after a dark cloaked figure. His back was to her and his strides were long and purposeful, making it hard for her to keep up. Her feet were sinking in the sand with every step. She managed to reach out her hand and weakly grab his arm, yanking him closer to her. The figure turned around, his masked face met her frightened expression as he threw his shoulder back so her hand dropped. She fell to her knees in the smoltering sand.  
Her eyes desperately searched his through her tears. “You can’t leave me here alone; you promised-”

“I promised nothing.” the helmet muddled his voice.

“Ben I know you don’t want this; please tell me what’s going on.”

No response. The masked creature boarded a ship. Rey ran after him, sinking further in the sand with each stride. It was as if she was running in place. The man put his hand out and threw her quite a few feet back using the force. She coughed the sand out of her lungs and her eyes locked on the part of the mask where his eyes would be underneath. He stood at the entrance of the Falcon and stared back for a moment before pressing a button and closing him off from her.  
***  
“Liar!”  
“Traitor!”  
“You put us all in danger, this whole time!”  
“You are the reason we had all those close calls!”  
“You are the reason for all those casualties.”  
Harsh words flew off the tongues of the Resistance fighters and crashed into the girl like a blaster blow to the chest. They were in a circle around her, all closing in on her, closer and closer with each bladed word. She crouched to the ground, put her head in her hands, and screamed an agonizing scream.  
***  
She was now bound to a table and tilted upward. The masked creature in the room circled around her bound, defenseless body. Fear and anger ran through her veins, which only ignited her opponent with confidence. Once he completed a full circle around her, he crouched to her level, taking off his helmet and his broken, haunted face meeting hers.  
“You know I can take whatever I want.”  
He cupped her chin with his strong fingers, his hold like that of a statue- solid, hard, and stone-cold. His other hand reached out, his fingers trembling from igniting the force and entering her haunted mind.  
He leaned his face closer to hers until they were inches apart. She was shaking with anger and fear under his touch. She fought his grasp on her, trying to turn her head away from his fiery gaze. Despite her efforts, he was stronger and forced her hate-filled eyes to meet his. She winced against his touch but kept her strong composure.  
“...And I plan to.” he finished, his fiery eyes filled with madness, passion; lust and longing.  
The girl gritted her teeth and picked up her head, her chest heaving against his as she dared close the space between them to intimidate him; show him she wasn’t scared.  
“We’ll see.”  
***  
She was back in the wintery forest, immediately greeted by the clashing and whirling of lightsabers, the blinding red and blue sparks flying. The two men are fighting each other and conflict and tension is felt by the girl lying helpless in the snow. She reaches her hand out to use the force but collapses from exhaustion, just barely able to keep her eyes open to watch the horrid scene play out in front of her. The two men were hacking swiftly at each other with all their energy; it seemed to be a fair match. Battle cries echoed throughout the forest. The crunching of the snow beneath their feet seemed as loud as the lightsabers and the battle cries. So many loud noises all at once became deafening.  
The men- one cloaked in black and the other in simple black clothing, circled each other, sizing each other up. Their chests were heaving in anticipation to capture as much oxygen as they could before the next attack. The girl in the distance lay on her stomach in the cold, wet snow. Feeling her body betraying her, she closed her eyes and focused on connecting to the force.  
“Ben…”

The man in simple black clothing lost his focus for a split second, looking away from his opponent and his worried eyes meeting the girl’s. His guard was down just enough for his opponent to take advantage and slash the saber at his side, slashing a deep cut in his opponent’s arm enough to send him to his knees in the snow.

“NO!” the girl screamed. She reached her hand out and made the force drop a sturdy, dead tree in between the two men to separate them. The heavy tree limbs crashed into the cloaked man’s ribs, sending him staggering backwards.

Tears blurred the girl’s vision and the heat from her tears stung against her cold, shaking body. Her head shook in disbelief- she felt so lost and out of control and helpless as her counterpart and her friend lay hurt in the snow at her own hands.

“You’re a monster.” her own voice spat back at her.

Rey woke with a jolt and a painful and shaky inhale. Ben jumped back in fear and disbelief. His heart was beating rapidly and his mind was reeling. So that’s what she really thought of him…

Rey looked just past him, her mind reeling and her heart racing from the dream. Once she realized it was all just a nightmare, her attention turned back onto Ben. He had seen inside her head; no, he invaded her mind. Anger rippled through her.

“You were saying my name in your sleep and thrashing around; I-I just wanted to make sure-” Ben stammered, trying to keep his nervous gaze on Rey. He could feel her anger through the force. It was raw and powerful- a feeling all too familiar to him.  
“To what, make sure I didn’t have ulterior motives? To check on me because you care?” she spat the last word with such anger Ben took a step back and moved his gaze to the ground.

“Why are you here, Ben?”

“I already told you- I needed to make sure you were safe-”

“WHY are you here?” she raised her voice as she stood before him.

Ben let her words soak into his skin. She had known he was hiding something; had she seen inside his mind too? No; he would’ve felt it. He sighed in defeat and utter sadness.

“I needed to see you.”

“Why, Ben? What did you possibly have left to say?”

“That I love you Rey, okay? I love you. I knew you were different when you fought me back in the interrogation room; when you saw my darkest fears. I was scared, but I kept trying to find you because I needed to know what we were capable of. And when you died… I couldn’t stand the fact of the dyad splitting. I don’t want to think about what that would mean. I couldn’t lose you; not again.”

His pain-stricken eyes met Rey’s dead glare. “I knew we were capable of so much more together than separate. I just needed to be with you, Rey…”

Tears filled Rey’s eyes. She wanted to love this man; she really did. But her mind kept reminding her of all the people he killed, including his own father. If he could do that to his own blood, what would he do to her…?  
She shook her head wildly. “You don’t know what love is. You killed hundreds of people and felt nothing.”

“And you didn’t?” he spat back, his fists balling.

The comment caused her heart to stop as a pull in her gut wrenched. She had killed; she had killed storm troopers, indirectly killed hundreds of Resistance followers all because she refused to take his hand. If she had taken it, the killings would’ve stopped. There would’ve been momentary peace while they designed a new governing system.

She pursed her lips and looked away from him, allowing her tears to fall.

Realizing he had struck a nerve, he felt a pang of guilt but it quickly subsided. He would NOT be made out to be the only bad person; they were equal parts good and bad- light and dark.

“Why did you fight back when I was trying to protect you from Finn?” her voice was broken yet demanding.

“Why were you protecting me if you didn’t care?” his voice was dark.

“I never said I didn’t care.” her voice was soft and pained.

Ben was angry. He had been questioned his whole life about his fate and his feelings; he didn’t come back to be questioned by the person he cared so much about. He didn’t allow Luke to give up his final existence to be rejected again.

“And that’s why you didn’t tell your little friends about our connection until I showed up at their base?”

“And I’m sure you told the First Order?” she questioned back.

He had expected her to retaliate. “I couldn’t; Snoke would’ve killed you in order for me to fully commit to him. He sensed my uncertainty, which is why this bond was even made- to torture me further into submission.”

“Why didn’t you just let him?” her voice regained strength.

Ben’s anger halted and was replaced with confusion. “What?”

“Why didn’t you let Snoke kill me? In the throne room.” her words seemed to hang in the air. When he remained silent, she decided to push more. “You couldn’t even watch as he tortured me. I felt your conflict as you felt my pain. I felt it as I’m feeling it now.”

Her words stung Ben’s skin, making it prickle as if a thousand needles were being stabbed in his skin. She could feel his emotions raging uncontrolled within him. Ben closed his eyes and when he opened them, a mental block constructed itself, blocking Rey from his mind.

Rey’s head fell forward a little, feeling the mental block as she had been prodding. She lifted her chin and stared at the man in front of her, his dark eyes staring back at her with equal determination.

“I didn’t come back to argue, Rey.” his deep voice sent shivers down her arms.

He became eerily aware of how close their faces were. He let his gaze falter so he could observe her whole face. She was so strong; so determined, yet there was something underneath the facade… fear.

When she became aware of how close they were indicated by Ben’s wandering eyes, she took a step back and dropped her gaze to the ground. She didn’t want to appear weak or like she was backing down from this fight, but she knew fighting with the person who could see inside her mind was pointless. Plus, she really did care about him; more than she was ready to admit, especially after everything he had done; everything they had done.

Ben was shocked to see Rey shy away from their standoff. His body almost immediately relaxed as he watched Rey back away from him, indicating the fight was done. He had said all he needed to right now, and then some. Had he really just admitted that he…? And she really didn’t respond…?

“We both need sleep.” she emphasized.

Ben wanted to argue. He wanted to ask her about her nightmare- he knew they were her darkest fears. He wanted to tell her about his own nightmares he had had as a child with Snoke, and his visions he has had since this adventure started. But instead, he nodded slightly in agreement, picking up the other sleeping bag and dragging it to the other side of the firepit. He needed to give her distance and rebuild her trust… again.

Ben tucked himself into the sleeping bag, his chest uncovered. He was too tall for the sleeping bag. Ignoring the fact that he was insanely uncomfortable, he tossed on his side so his back was facing Rey. He could feel her eyes lingering on his figure but it fled as soon as it appeared as she settled herself into her sleeping bag, facing her back to Ben’s. 

Sleep wasn’t something that came easily to Ben regularly, and tonight was no exception. His own visions flashed through his mind, intermingling with the ones from Rey’s dreams. They were both hiding something from each other and it was tearing them apart. Ben could feel it through their connection; trust was something that they both lacked, despite risking their lives for each other just days before. Kylo had been used to the sense of defeat, but Ben certainly wasn’t; it was a hard thing to swallow. He was trapped in his own moral dilemma- if he told Rey about his visions with FN-2187, or ‘Finn,’ as she called him, then she would be fearful and skeptical of his trust further. Not telling her has done the same. It wasn’t fair- after everything they have been through together, they deserved a happy ending. He came back for that very purpose; she was the only reason he would have ever come back to the painful, cruel world, and now their relationship was fraying faster and faster with every cruel trick from the force. Something was out there, manipulating the force and making them turn against each other. Whatever this thing was, it knew that they were far too powerful together, so they were playing mind tricks on purpose to get them to turn against each other- again. But this wasn’t like all the other times; there was no higher being controlling their every move and predicting their fates. No, this thing was far too inexperienced, using the very words of themselves and how they saw each other in the past as their own downfall. As inexperienced as they were, it worked all too well. Both had visions or flashbacks of the past; Ben knew he wasn’t alone in that. He was never alone when he was with her, for better or worse.

Ben closed his eyes and touched his fingers softly on the ground beneath him. He calmed his breathing and tried to reach out to this other force-sensitive being that was messing with their heads and their relationship. It was hard to push past the strong presence that was Rey’s force signature, but he was able to push through it nonetheless. He was then met by darkness and silence. The force showed the dark skies of the galaxy- the stillness of the stars and the planets surrounding them. It was almost peaceful; being back in touch with the force. Almost…  
There was a ripple in the galaxy and the stillness and serenity ceased to exist. They remained motionless through the force, but the feeling of pure chaos flooded through the force, creating a suffocating sense of dread over Ben.  
“So you are on to me.” a voice echoed through the force.

Ben tried to remain calm so the connection didn’t sever. He needed more information. He steadied his breathing and pressed some force outward toward this forceful being, letting them know he was here and he was ready to make that known.

“I can feel your hatred towards me, but I’m only making the inevitable happen faster to save you both the pain and suffering you were bound to bring each other. None of this was meant to be; you alive, you and her, together, alone… you were supposed to remain dead. That was your one redeeming quality and you even managed to screw that up. She is not yours to keep; she wasn’t meant to be a part of this story. You sought after her that one invasion, in the woods, and you involved her in this; caused all the pain and suffering that occurred after. She was fine just waiting on Jakku for people she knew would never come back. They’re lack of company was better than your own.”

Ben gritted his teeth and pressed his hand deeper into the ground, feeling the sweat bead down his brow from keeping the intensity of the force vision going. He looked around at the planets, looking, sensing, for something; anything, to find out where this voice was coming from. He scanned over all the planets and felt a pull in his gut at one certain planet- it was a brown and white swirled planet, rather small looking. That is where the voice was coming from; he was certain.

“What’s your plan?” Ben asked through the force. “If we truly are each others downfall, why not let us destroy each other and save you the effort? Where do you fit into all of this? What’s in it for you?”

The voice chuckled darkly. “I am simply finishing what you started- the end of the Jedi. An end to unjust governance and an end to unfair punishment. The dyad can only save you as much as you let it and with each of you essentially hiding from each other, you can only dig so far until you hit rock bottom. We didn’t wait long enough to see what would happen to the dyad if one was dead and the other alive; I say we need to experiment further and find out.”

Ben could feel tears fill his eyes- still a new sensation to him. He tried to hide his weakness from the voice. “Then kill me again; but she is not to be harmed. She deserves peace and if that leaves me out of the picture again… then so be it.” he was choking on his own words, the thought of leaving her again crushing his soul and making his force signature shaky and unstable.

“Oh how very Ben of you.” The voice retorted. “It almost makes up for destroying so many lives. For now, I think you are both doing a good enough job of killing each other in other ways, so while I prepare for what’s to come, I will be watching and waiting carefully. Just know I am here, and you will lose everything just as I had when you took her from me.”

Ben’s heart thumped against his chest in sudden realization. “YOU- you traitor! It’s you! Why are you doing this?”

“Because she took my hand first.”

The connection broke and Ben shot up, his breath panting silently. He looked over protectively at Rey, who was still sound asleep. He was shocked yet grateful that the connection hadn’t woken her. Confusion and fear plunged through his being; since when did FN-2187 have the force? Since when could he sense the force enough to manipulate it? What has happened since they left that base?

Ben needed Rey to be awake right now; he needed to hold her; protect her, with every ounce of his being. He crawled on his knees over to where she lay and effortlessly picked her shoulders up, scooping her into a tight hug, pulling her chest to his.

“What- Ben?” she muffled into his shoulder.

Ben didn’t let go. He couldn’t let go. Not again. His one hand cradled the back of her head and softly gripped her hair, breathing in her fresh earthy scent. His other arm was draped around her sides and back tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Rey… for everything. I’m so sorry…” he muffled into her hair.

He felt Rey’s body relax against his, her one arm looping around to his back and the other hand finding his hair, stroking it. The force connection between them hummed in a peaceful harmony.

Rey leaned back, loosening the grip and widening the space between them. Ben was quick to harden his grip on her and Rey furrowed her brows. She reached her hand out and placed it against his cheek- his wet cheek.

Rey jolted in shock to see and feel the tears of Ben Solo- former Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order. Her worried eyes met him. “Ben, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Ben didn’t know what to say. How could he even start to explain things? He thought for a moment, looking at the fire pit and remembering when they first touched hands through the force. She was telling him of a place where the darkness called to her desires; a place on the island that was meant to show her truest desires and answer her burning questions. That’s where he needed to take her- he could show her everything.

“That place you were telling me about the first time you were here with Skywalker- where is it?”

Rey’s concerned expression never wavered. “It’s just down by the shore, why?”

“We need to go there- now.”

Rey’s lips parted in confusion and worry. The urgency in his voice was scaring her. “Ben, what-”

“Please.”

Rey’s eyes fluttered behind her to the exit of the door as she looked in the direction of the desired destination. She looked back at Ben and nodded a single time.

Ben let out a sigh of relief and shifted so he didn’t throw Rey’s balance from him as he stood. Rey’s hand in his, he stood and she followed her movements. She was staring at him, worry plaguing her face. She felt his unease and a general disturbance in the force.

They stood across from each other hand in hand for a moment before Rey slid her hand away and led the way to the darkness.

Ben followed her blindly, anticipation rising in his chest. He could feel the dark crawling nearer through their bond and heard the familiar hums and whispers he heard when he found his ship and helmet. Rey stopped in front of a large, dark hole in the ground and faced Ben.

“Ben, this place… the darkness led me here before. There was no balance in it all; just impulse. If it calls to you…”

Ben slightly shook his head. “It’s not like that, Rey. There’s something; so many things, you need to know, and I don’t know how to tell you about it. I want to show you.”

“Ben…”

“Rey,” he stepped close to her, his expression stern and cold. “This is important.”

Fear and uncertainty flowed through their bond. Rey stepped to the side to get out of his direct glare, turning her back to him and looking down the pit. She was about to jump but Ben was quick to put his wrist around her arm to stop her. She glared back at him only for him to step next to her and slide his hand from her arm to her hand, interlocking their fingers. He wanted to do this- together. Rey was confused by his sudden affections and clingy behavior, but she went along with it, hoping it would reveal itself to her once he showed her what he so desperately needed to show her.

They both nodded at each other and took the plunge together. The temperature got drastically colder the farther they fell, sending jolts of ice cold shivers down Rey’s spine. When they landed, they both landed crouched, their one free hand catching their fall, their other hand still entwined in the others. She stood slowly, taking in the eerily familiar hollowed pit. Her hand slowly slipped out of Ben’s hand and she started feeling colder and more vulnerable without his touch. They were both becoming way too attached to their bond they shared; but was it too much? Rey had never known affection like this until she met Ben; is this how normal people act when they care for one another? Something in Ben’s last few actions seemed loving, but… desperate. Like they didn’t take the time to fight and that they should cherish every moment together. And that’s what scared Rey.

Ben slowly stood and took in his surroundings. The walls were dark but the reflection of the moon’s glow on the water that splashed from the shore to this strange cave made the rock walls glisten in an eerie dim glow. He glanced over at Rey, who met his gaze. Her eyes moved forward and his glance followed. They were staring at what looked like a thick layer of ice. She started walking towards it, Ben at her heels. She stopped when she was arms width from it and stared carefully at Ben.

“Reach your hand out and touch it. Think really hard about what you want to see and know. It didn’t work for me last time… I don’t know if I did it wrong or if I was distracted, but I’ve always wanted to know about my parents…” she trailed.

“It’s because you knew, Rey; you just didn’t want to acknowledge their fate, or yours. This… I really don’t know. I need to know, and I need you to see.” Ben swallowed.

He started reaching his hand towards the icy wall, his heart beating fast. Rey started backing away but he looked behind him and grabbed her hand and placed it on top of his outstretched hand towards the icy wall. They needed to do this together- it was their fate.

Rey flicked her eyes up to his, confusion then resolution. She nodded and they both looked forward at the blank slate in front of them, their outstretched fingers finally making contact with the cold surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG confessions and breakthroughs for Ben! Sorry for the cliffhanger, I will write more as soon as I can! I generally try to write everyday so stay tuned and I will have another chapter posted soon!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:  
The second their reflections disappeared is when things started going wrong.  
Scenes flashed before the dyad. Finn and Ben fighting with the golden saber, teeth clenched and pure rage across both their faces, each swing deadlier than the previous. In a nightmarish flash the scene changes to the dark throne room lit by the dim red glow of Kylo’s infamous saber and a double-edged saber staff held by the shell of what used to be the nobody from Jakuu. The scene flashed back to the two men fighting. They were at a stand still, both men putting equal force against the others saber, red to gold. The crackling of the sabers grew louder as the tension on the sabers pressed on. Ben’s height was an advantage as he was able to manage a large step next to Finn and press more pressure onto his saber, Finn’s form crumpling beneath him. Finn started falling to his knees and Ben’s saber came dangerously close to his shoulder. Screams of villagers filled the air and an amber glow illuminated the fight in the dark of night; fire blazing. Finn was on one knee on the ground and his arms were shaking from the immense pressure being put on the saber. Fear began to instill in his face, confidence fading. The scene flashed to Ben’s face, who had sweat beading his forehead and pure rage in his eyes, along with the reflection of the fire, making him look that much more cynical. His nostrils flared and his teeth were bared at the man below him. This man- he was unrecognizable. This was not Ben; this was Kylo.  
The shadows from the surroundings made the healed scar on his face darken. The way he was fighting was no defensive fighting; it was meant to hurt; to kill.  
Suddenly, abruptly, the form of the fierce, brooding man untensed and his head whipped to his right, leaving his opponent the perfect opportunity to swipe his saber across his enemy’s leg that had stepped beside him in battle. Pain flashed in the man’s face as pride lit in the other’s and the scene went black.  
The scene flashed to a girl’s crumpled body lying on the cobblestone walkway. In front of her, above her, staring down at her, was the man with the now injured leg, saber in hand.  
***  
Rey removed her hand from Ben’s, gasping and stumbling. She fell to the ground and looked at Ben, who looked fearful and concerned. He looked so sad; it was then that Rey realized that this wasn’t the first time he had seen these things. This is why he was acting so weird- he didn’t want to believe what he saw.

Ben stared at Rey, his heart and stomach clenched. His hand that was once on the mirrored surface was cold and shaking. He took a small, cautious step towards Rey, who scrambled backwards in response, putting her hand out in defense and warning. Her lip quivered as she tried to fight the tears from falling down her face.

“Stay away from me.”

Ben’s heart felt like it had been force choked. “Rey…”

She shook her head violently, using the cave wall for support with one hand to stand with her shaking legs. The other hand was still in front of her. “You haven’t changed; you’ve just become a better liar.”

“You can’t actually say that; I gave you my life, Rey.”

“Only to come back and take it again.” she spat. A cruel lifting of the corner of her mouth formed as she huffed a sarcastic laugh. “I saw what I saw, Ben, if I should even call you that anymore.”

Anger bubbled in the pit of Ben’s stomach. There was no rationalizing this; he had to make her understand, even if that means hitting her where it hurts the most- her own thoughts.

“Should we revisit your dream?” he shot in defense, his fists balling. Hers did the same, but he sensed the hesitation in her. “I saw something too, Rey, and you are just as good at lying. You didn’t bring me here to start a new life; you came here because you would have been banished; exiled. You just left before they could say it to you.”

“Stop.” she seethed in anger.

Ben stepped closer to her. “I saw your fear and your desires, Rey, and they match mine. You saw yourself on the throne before as you see it now; as I have seen it. You are scared of being alone; you would do anything not to be there again.”

Rey’s extended hand pushed the force against Ben, who was slightly pushed back by it. He put his hand out in response and was able to overcome her force and advance on her, his anger once again overpowering her fear.

“You are scared of yourself because of what others view you as- a part of me. A part of your grandfather. You are scared to be alone yet are so scared of our dyad and our connection; so much so that it has altered your perception of our first encounter. You crave and fear the same things- being alone and being tied down.”

They were circling each other in the cave as they had on the ship when he told her who she truly was; that one, cursed moment that Rey had dreaded, mainly because she already knew before he even said a word. His confirmation was what changed the course of her life; her whole identity. She hated him; hated the way he used it to his advantage to get her to come to him; to turn her.  
The anger building inside her buzzed through the force, matching Ben’s. Their connection burned with heat and tension, making their bodies feel heavy. The static buzzed between, unstable, like polarizing sides of a magnet.

“The Resistance- they see you as you saw me- a monster. You are no different than me, Rey; we are two that are one. You have killed. You have hurt people who care about you as I have. People look at you the same way you look at me now: a liar, a traitor. They hold you responsible for being who you truly are.”

Ben’s harsh (and true) words and the pressure of the force became too much for Rey. Pressure built in her chest and anger raged through her soul, though she didn’t know where hers started and Ben’s ended. Her whole body felt hot and vibrated with energy. A ear-curdling scream of anger and pure agony that had been held in for so long finally escaped her lips, and with it, electricity from her fingertips.

As soon as the bolt of force lightning hit Ben, Rey quickly pulled her hand back to make it stop. Ben fell to the ground, landing on his back and his hands slack next to him. Rey’s eyes went from Ben’s body to her own hand in true terror. Flashbacks to the transport that she thought Chewie had been in flashed through her mind and sent more fear and regret through her.  
Emotions bubbled inside her- shock, then fear, then anger. She once again became fearful of herself; she lost control; again, and it could cost a life- Ben’s life. Luke brought Ben back for a purpose, and that’s when the regret kicked in. She had said he didn’t change and struck him down, but Luke was wise- he wouldn’t have brought Ben back just to kill her again. The anger kicked in when she recalled the scenes with Finn. She had seen visions of them sparring too, and he was right in the sense that her fears had led to the altering of memories. Was the force trying to show them something? Where was his place in all of this? Where did he get the saber? Where had Ben gotten his? Had he been hiding that from her, too?

She cautiously stepped closer to him until she was standing above him a few feet away. She looked down at the man before her. Her gaze immediately flew to his chest to see if she could see the slight rise and fall of a heartbeat. When she didn’t she started to panic, despite her anger. She closed her eyes and tried to get a hold of her emotions enough to feel his force signature. After she steadied her breaths and focused, she reached her hand out and was able to feel his life force. She let out a shaky breath. It was there, but so faint; so distant…  
She was about to pull away when she felt a sudden disturbance in the force- in Ben’s force. Something about it felt familiar; it called to her. Her brows furrowed and she pushed against the force, feeling it with her own signature.

All Rey saw was darkness. No shapes, no surroundings; just black. She pushed more into the force, wanting to see it. She steadied her breathing again. “Be with me.”  
Silence. She felt uneasy as the force shifted. Whatever was calling to her… it was the dark side of the force. She pressed forward more, the uneasiness growing. She felt something this time- it was coming closer to her.  
“Please…” she whispered.  
A pressure fought back in the force- a life form of sorts. There was something; someone, there. The pressure built as this being and her got closer through the force. The anticipation was more than Rey could bear. Through the force, she looked to her left, then to her right, the darkness following her movements.  
Breaking the silence was the sound of the ignition of an unstable lightsaber, a crimson glow appearing and wielding it, the masked creature that haunted her dreams; her mind; her soul.

Rey’s eyes shot open and she gasped for air. She slowly backed away from the body, fear filling her lungs.  
“No…” she whispered in disbelief.

He was still alive; whoever this being was. He was alive and he was dangerous, just as dangerous as she was.  
Rey felt an immense feeling of pain and hurt- she felt used, hollow, empty. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as her head still shook, still looking at the man on the ground as she walked backwards.  
Her back hit against the sharp, jagged walls of the cave. Her hand touched the wall to steady herself. She knew what she had to do- she had to leave. She had to leave this conflicted, dangerous man. She had to leave everything. She feared being alone, but it couldn’t be any other way- she was too dangerous. They were too dangerous.  
With one last glance at the other side of the dyad, she scaled the wall and exited the pit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait- Life has been crazy and I had a really hard time finding the right mindset to write this scene. I'm still not completely satisfied with it but I'm always like that with my work.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter will explain why Rey saw and felt Kylo at the very end!  
> Comments and feedback always welcome!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay- life has been crazy and I have been tired. This chapter was intense and hard to get in the right mindset to write it, but thanks to a little guidance (more like a stroke of genius) from my co-author Matt, I was finally able to finish writing the chapter. I just hope it was worth the wait!  
> I used the song "Slow Grenade" by Ellie Goulding and Lauv as an inspiration for this chapter.  
> Thank you all for the kudos and as always, feedback would be lovely! :)

Chapter 13:  
Ben was greeted by the darkness once more. He was used to the darkness, but the eerie silence has always bothered him. It was abysmally quiet in the dark abyss he was in; the sense of loneliness no longer a distant stranger. Despite the silence, there was a daunting sense of familiarity…

As if on cue, a creature stepped out of the darkness, their footsteps loud and purposeful. Ben’s head snapped in the direction of the sound and as each step got closer, he looked for a way out. He couldn’t see anything, but the sound of the speedy footsteps and the thumping of his heart filled his ears, overtaking his other senses. 

The crimson red cross illuminated the room, the crackling of the unstable weapon obliterating the silence. Ben jumped at the familiar sound and met the glance of the person wielding the weapon. His stature was grounded and powerful, chin held high as the masked creature looked down upon his next victim.

Fear washed over Ben like the waves on the rocky shore of this godforsaken island. He looked as the powerful being in front of him loomed closer, his black cape flowing in the wind. Ben knew this figure- it was him, his old self; the persona he had created to hide his fear and conflict. Except it wasn’t him. There was no impending sense of conflict, pain, suffering; there was only power. Power, and the confidence he had always lacked due to his conflicted soul.  
Kylo stopped walking when he came about a lightsabers length away from Ben. Ben’s head was spinning. What was happening? How was this possible? Is this what his victims felt like…?

“More or less, yes.” the masked version of himself stated, reading his mind.

Ben falled his fists in anger. He had no clue what was happening, but he needed this part of him destroyed- again. He was the reason Rey feared him and continued to distrust him.

“I’m also the reason she fell in love with us.” Kylo spoke all too calmly.

Ben’s nostrils flared. “No, she wanted Ben’s hand.”

Kylo tensed for a brief moment. “And without me there would’ve been no hand offered to begin with. Without me, you would’ve never met her. She wouldn’t have had a purpose or a place in this world. She would still be on that dessert hell she called a home, waiting for people who would never return. She wouldn’t have had anything to fight for, other than her own survival.”

Ben was done listening. Listening to that cursed voice brought so many painful memories to the surface; so much pain. He reached out with the force in an attempt to retrieve his old weapon. As soon as Ben’s hand extended, so did Kylo’s, matching his actions, but with more power. Ben pushed against the powerful being’s force signature but his was far too weak and unstable compared to his old self’s and was effortlessly thrown backwards into the walls, falling to the ground.

A mechanical and cynical laugh echoed through the darkness as his heavy yet agile steps paced themselves to the weak form on the ground. Once he approached, he pointed his saber to his victim’s neck and squatted to their level, balancing on his heels. He grabbed Ben’s chin and grasped it in his gloved hand, forcing him to look at his masked face.  
“Fighting is pointless- I know your every move; your every thought, your every emotion. I AM you. I am everything you could have been; everything you gave up for HER.” he said the word with so must distaste that his body physically tensed.

Ben struggled against his grasp, careful to avoid the lit blade at his throat. Kylo was much stronger than him, all his muscles solid and powerful and his mind clear and determined. Ben almost felt a sense of jealousy for never being able to feel that way before.

“What do you want from me?” Ben managed to say through the strong grasp.

Kylo observed him for a moment, then squeezed Ben’s chin hand before throwing his hand forward and standing, Ben’s head snapping to the side from the force of the grip. The saber rested ignited to Kylo’s side.

“I want you to see everything you gave up, and everything you still could be.”

Ben shook his head slightly. “You’re insane.”

“Maybe.” Kylo pondered for a moment, starting to pace back and forth in front of Ben, the saber swinging dangerously effortlessly as his arms swayed with his movements. “But I got everything you wanted- control, power, and her.”

Ben followed the gaze of the familiar stranger in front of him and found the same vision of Rey ruling by his side he had seen in his visions- black clothes, double edged lightsaber in hand, guarding the throne- their throne. Ben’s heart rate quickened and he looked away, the sight bubbling his emotions and making it hard to focus. He was being manipulated, and he knew that, but yet he couldn’t help but fight back.

“She feared you because of the power you possessed. But once she realized that she had that same power, she took my hand, once and for all. She had nothing to fear other than herself, and she would agree to anything to not feel so lost and lonely again.” the mutilated voice explained.  
Ben pushed himself off the ground. “You used her for her power.”

Kylo’s head snapped in his direction. “The only accusations you are providing are that of your own. These are your thoughts, your actions, even if they didn’t actually happen. These are your deepest fears and desires, and I am- we are, the face of it all.”

“I am NOT you.”

“Aren’t you?” Kylo sensed Ben’s next move and as Ben came charging at him, he used the force to freeze him in his place. He circled around him. “Look how weak you’ve become; how weak she’s made you. You share that fiery spirit, and that hatred you always had. You want to kill me, but that would only be killing a part of yourself.”

Ben struggled against the force hold but failed to move himself from it.

“You are trying to be something you’re not- even she sees it.” Kylo looked to his side.

Ben’s eyes once again followed his gaze and visions of Rey appeared. First was them fighting in the forest the first time, the fear plastered on her face. The next was her in the interrogation chair, calling him a monster, the anger shining through her strong composure. The next was them in Snoke’s throne room, his hand extended, and her tears of pain and disappointment he had caused her to stream down her fragile face. The last one was the most recent time he had let her down and caused her to fear him- her face immediately after seeing the visions in the cave. She looked so afraid…

Kylo withdrew his hand and the force hold ceased, causing Ben to fall to the ground on his knees.

Ben could’ve gotten up; fought and killed this shell of what he became, but he didn’t. His eyes never left the visions of Rey, no matter how much he wanted to; no matter how much it pained him. He sat there, on his knees, feeling completely and utterly helpless and alone. He had no fight left in him, not even enough to fight the tears threatening to spill down his face. He surrendered to the pain- again.

Kylo stepped closer to Ben. “She will always fear you because you will always give her a reason to.”

Ben let the words soak in. He was right- he would always give Rey a reason to fear him. He couldn’t ever change that because he can’t change the past. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t worth fighting for.

Kylo stepped an arms width from the fallen man before him. He held his hand out and within his grasp was the deactivated lightsaber, the black metal hilt horizontal. “Prove to me that you aren’t as weak as you seem.”  
Ben looked up at the outstretched hand of his inner demon. His chest felt heavy with each breath he took. He wanted to fight him; do everything in his power to be the person Rey wants him to be, but he couldn’t do much against someone who knows his every move. Unless…

Ben’s eyes flickered from the saber to the masked face. He might not be as strong as the form of himself in front of him, but he knew the man behind the mask well enough to know that he isn’t the best at calling someone’s bluff.

“You know what you have to do.” Kylo spoke darkly.

He did. He knew exactly what he needed to do. None of this was a lie, therefore Kylo would never see what was coming next.

Ben steadied his gaze on the masked version of himself, making sure to never waver from his glance he felt burning through the mask. He slowly outstretched his hand to meet the gloved one with the saber in hand. His fingers twitched with anticipation as they stretched and touched the cold metal. They wrapped around the base of the saber, grip tight.  
“I always knew you would turn.” Kylo spoke with satisfaction.

In one swift movement, Ben flicked his wrist downward while igniting the saber. The maneuver hit its target- direct hit to the chest. Ben stood and watched as Kylo- the former version of himself; his darkness, the visual representation of his years of pain and suffering, fell to the ground and disappeared.

“So did she.”  
***  
Ben jolted awake and looked around. His heart was beating dangerously fast as he scanned his surroundings for any indication of what had just happened. He was still in the cave on Ach-To, wet from sweat and the salty ocean waves. Felt his clothes and his hair. They felt charred. Why did they..? Oh.

Ben looked down at his torn shirt and saw a burn mark in the same exact spot where Rey had struck him with a lightsaber on the Death Star. She had incredible aim, and a sick sense of humor.

Other than the soreness of his muscles and the sickening smell of burnt hair and flesh, Ben was otherwise unharmed. He did another scan of the cave, searching for Rey. He knew she had fled, and he knew exactly why she did. She was scared- not of him, but of herself. And she ran because of the fear. He knew about that feeling all too well.  
If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he considered taking his saber back. He would always be a threat not just to her but to everyone. It would’ve been so much easier to accept his fate instead of fight it. He wanted nothing more than inner peace- a silencing of satisfaction of his soul, and his past self knew that. The only thing he didn’t realize is that being with Rey was the only thing that made him feel that way, even if he had to fight for it. The fights with Rey, physically and mentally, had never made him feel more alive.

He glanced up the jagged cave walls to find the easiest path back up and out of the cave. No path looked particularly easier than the rest but he found one with wider ledges and decided he would try that one. It took all his strength to pull himself out of the cave after scaling its walls, and he began to wonder how Rey had done it. Then he remembered- before she was an all-powerful jedi, she was a scavenger, who was used to scaling massive structures in search of parts in order to survive. Ben smiled, feeling sad as he thought about how lonely and hard of a life she must’ve had there (not that he had made it any better), then felt happier just at the mere thought that that tragic place of a home had made her the woman she is today, and he wouldn’t trade that for the galaxy.

Once back on the mountainous island, Ben began to wonder where she could have gone. He could see the Falcon in the distance, so she couldn’t have left the island. She was here somewhere. He closed his eyes and tried to reach her through the force, only to find she had closed herself off from it.

Of course she couldn’t make anything easy, he thought.

He went to run a hand through the charred tips of his hair when his knotted hair got caught on something. Ben pulled his hand away and saw the navigation ring his mother had given him- the one that matches Rey’s. He glanced down at the red blinking dot and then ahead of him in the direction of the beacon of hope that was where Rey was. A smirk formed on his lips knowing she had completely forgotten about the device on her wrist.

“You can’t hide, Rey,” he smiled. “Not from me.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Kinda got a writers block so thanks to the wonderful advice of my boyfriend, this chapter is in Finn’s perspective back on the rebel base. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 14:  
“Finn, buddy, are you okay?”  
Finn snapped out of his gaze on his plate of food and looked up at Poe. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… tired.”

Finn’s voice was monotone as he used the same excuse Rey had used with him so many times before. He wasn’t fine. Everything reminded him of Rey. He thought about their last encounter being a meeting to discuss her fate at the rebel base. They had shared hurtful glances and exchanged harsh words. Had he known that would be their last encounter for who knows how long…

No. He didn’t regret it. He refused. There were secrets; so many secrets between them. She had kept her force dyad connection a secret from him all this time; all the intel she could’ve gotten from the enemy, so many times she was struggling with finding herself… and she went to him. The murderer of many, the person in charge of his kidnapping as a child and the reason he was forced to be raised as a stormtrooper and had to witness firsthand so many fatalities. So many violent, meaningless deaths. Just to turn to the Resistance and do the same exact thing- all because he created the First Order.

Finn often wondered what his life would be like had he not been kidnapped at a young age. Who even were his parents? He didn’t care nearly as much as Rey had, but still…

Rey.

When he found Poe still staring at him, he averted his gaze back to his mashed potatoes and swirled his fork through it in boredom.

Poe sat across from him, turning the back of the chair forward as he straddled the seat and sat down, crossing his arms across the back of the chair. He bent his head low and at different angles, trying to meet Finn’s glance.  
“Is this about Rey?”

Finn flared his nostrils and clenched his jaw. “No,” he lied.

“It’s hard to believe you ever worked for the First Order.” Poe stated. When Finn glared at him he continued. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“Just leave it, Poe. For once just drop it.”

“I know you’re worried about her. Hell, your first words out of coma were asking where she was. Still a little bitter about that, by the way.”

Finn straightened his posture slightly as he cocked his head at Poe as if to say, ‘really?’  
Poe sighed. “Fine. All jokes aside, I’m worried about you, man. And I know Rose is, too.” When Finn remained silent, he took the opportunity to keep doing what he did best: persuade. “I know Leia dying then Rey disappearing have been really hard for you, as they have for all of us, but-”

Finn slammed his fist against the table. “She didn’t disappear! She ran away with that monster. Don’t sugarcoat it.”

Poe jumped when he slammed on the table. He arched his back to create more distance between them to avoid his friend’s angry outburst. He remained silent for a few moments and observed Finn’s body language. His jaw was clenched so tight he though his teeth would grind down to nothing. His fists were clenched so tightly that it was changing the color of his knuckles. Any tighter and he would draw blood, Poe thought. His nose was flared and his eyes were dark and distant, looking anywhere but at Poe. Something was definitely wrong with him.

“Hey,” Poe stood and reached across the table and clasped his hand on Finn’s shoulder, the sudden contact causing Finn’s gaze to meet Poe’s. “Rey is a smart girl. She wouldn’t put herself in danger on purpose.”

Except she had, Finn thought. According to her speech, she had shipped herself to the first order via an escape pod because Kylo Ren had taunted her with information about her parents and her past- her weakness. He knew it, too, and he knew Rey would go to him. Why Poe didn’t blast him with the Falcon’s cannon on that rescue mission, Finn had no clue. Poe was a much better shot than he was- the chance of him missing his target and hitting Rey were extremely low. Had his hand not been out in front of him and in line with where Rey was…  
It wouldn’t have been worth the risk. They needed Rey for the Resistance. He needed Rey for guidance and companionship. He craved her attention. He was fascinated by her; finding someone with determination and such hope and liveliness- he craved being around her. It was the strangest feeling.

Finn snapped out of his thoughts and met Poe’s face, his confidence wavering the longer he stayed quiet. So that’s why he always kept talking and pushing; huh.  
Finn nodded just to acknowledge he was listening.

A playful smirk danced across Poe’s lips. “Alright. I suppose you aren’t in the mood to help me with some paperwork, co-general?”

“I hate this position sometimes.” Finn groaned, scrunching his eyes tightly shut and pinching the bridge of his nose to try to cure his oncoming headache. “I will meet you there in a few minutes. You can start without me.”

“Gee thanks.” Poe said back sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. He patted Finn’s shoulder twice before leaving.

Finn decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. The woods were dense and peaceful. The crunch of the leaves and the singing of the birds should have been enough to calm him, yet it wasn’t. His mind was still spiraling trying to put the pieces together of what had happened with Rey. They had called the meeting, she told them everything, they called her out of the room to meet and then he went outside to let her know to come back in, expecting her to be eavesdropping closeby, but she was nowhere to be found. He ran inside and volunteered to search the base for her but Chewie had blocked the doorway and roared in defiance as Finn had tried to push past him. Maz had told him to let her go and went on in vague terms about some deep jedi stuff he didn’t understand; something about letting them follow their new fates when they were no longer pre-determined? Whatever that means.  
When he looked for her in the woods at sunrise the next morning, she was already gone. He searched the entire base, her camp in the woods, the lake; nothing. Everyone he asked had said they hadn’t seen her since the scene between the three of them when he interrupted everyone’s reunions. His was a reunion no one wanted to acknowledge.  
Besides Rey.

His thoughts were interrupted by him tripping over something as he walked through the woods. Something slippery had made him lose his footing, resulting in Finn stumbling clumsily to regain his footing. When he looked back to see what tripped him, he was confused when he saw nothing. Just a shard of a red ribbon. He furrowed his brow and carefully walked back over to it, bending down and picking up the delicate fabric in his fingers.

The surroundings spun and shifted. All of a sudden, Rey was there with him, running. He was stationary but somehow followed within her view as she ran skillfully and tirelessly. Her gaze was dead set on something in front of her that Finn couldn’t see. He wanted to yell; scream her name, get her attention, make sure she was okay, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move or speak; he was just able to watch the scene play in front of him like a hologame.  
Rey sprinted and jumped from rock to rock, her leaps long and effortless as the force helped push and guide her way. Her lightsaber was drawn, swinging dangerously by her sides with every propelling swing of her arms as she ran. Finn watched as she jumped up and swing her saber at the same time, catching a small piece of the red fabric she had just severed, taking a piece of it with her as a trophy.

Finn immediately let go of the red ribbon as he stumbled and fell backwards. He allowed himself to stay on the ground to catch his breath. He had touched the fabric and he was able to see a memory- Rey’s memory.  
The force had been messing with him for while now- mainly after he woke up from being in a coma, but it was never this cruel. He had never touched something and had some adverse affect happen because of his touch. He knew he was force sensitive; that’s what he had tried to tell Rey this whole time, as an attempt for her to teach him what it all meant and how and why he had these abilities. Nowhere near as powerful as hers, but they were there. He wanted her to teach him, as the monster wanted to teach her, and as she wanted to teach him….

His headache suddenly got worse. Curiosity struck him as he continued to look at the severed red ribbon. He cautiously put a shaky hand out in front of him and continued to focus on the red ribbon. He closed his eyes and let his force sensitivity take over his body, letting it consume him in a wave of energy. When he opened his eyes, he saw the red ribbon levitating in midair, just like Rey had done with the boulders on Crait. His pure shock and happiness make his focus waver, making the piece of ribbon flutter back to the ground as the force connection severed, much like the ribbon. He let out an excited shaky sigh of disbelief as he smiled and observed his hands. He shot his hand out again and focused his attention back on the ribbon, feeling the force flow through his veins. Closing his eyes for a brief second this time, he contained his excitement as he felt at one with the force- completely at peace. He opened his eyes and the ribbon was once again levitating.  
Come to me, he thought.  
The force listened as he willed it towards his free hand, grabbing it from his own force hold.

Finn laughed and let out a triumphant scream, pumping his fist in the air, then looked around to see if anyone was around to witness and marvel at his newfound power. When he determined no one was there, he let the jitteriness of his excitement and the dizziness of using the force for the first time wear off by pacing through the woods, gathering his thoughts and trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened.

There was a pull in his gut and he could feel a pang of curiosity; the force guiding his decision to try it again. Finn’s attention was drawn to the fallen tree limbs in the words around him. He followed the guidance of the force and extended his hand once more, the same procedure being practiced. The tree limbs levitated. He pushed outward into the force with some of his strength behind it and the tree limbs with flying through the air, some hitting trees before landing on the ground with a loud ‘thud,’ others scattering in the air and splintering into tiny pieces before falling like rain around him.

The force called again to him, now directing his attention to decently sized boulders. Finn’s heart skipped a little with hesitation, but he persevered, curiosity consuming him. He closed his eyes for longer this time, relaxing his muscles and calming his mind. He felt a slight strain against the force and his arm felt heavy. He slowly opened his eyes, careful not to let his nerves get the best of him, and saw the boulder levitating at his will. Finn looked out into the horizon, not moving his head, his eyes scanning his surroundings. When he confirmed there was no one in sight, he drew back his extended arm slightly, still clinging onto the boulder with the force. He summoned all his physical strength he could muster under the strain of the force. With a scream of exertion, Finn threw his arm forward and the boulder soured through the air, landing about 100 yards away from him, the boulder rolling for about another 50 yards and making trees in its path topple and fall around it before finally coming to a halt, along with the sounds of the crunching tree branches and rumbling of the rock and falling trees.

Finn’s amazement was met with a wave of nausea as the sense of realization hit him. Simultaneously, he discovered 2 things: why Kylo Ren had done the things he had done using this ability, and why Rey wanted nothing to do with it. The power from the force was intriguing; intoxicating. The way it took over his body, controlled his mind; it was addicting. He couldn’t get enough of it. He wanted to know more.

Finn looked down at his hands and then back at the destruction the boulder had caused. His lips parted and his heart thumped against his chest. He realized what he had to do. He had to take down the monster who started it all and get Rey back where she belonged; with the Resistance, and with him. And he would use any means necessary to ensure that happened.

He gripped the red ribbon tight within his grasp, his knuckles turning white. He walked back through the woods and headed to Rey’s camp, letting the force guide him. It felt cold yet inviting as he inched closer to her tent. Once inside the tent, the force within him screamed and made his muscles ache and his head throb. He scrunched his brows and gasped in pain. The pull was suddenly overwhelmingly strong. Finn turned his body and went to exit the tent, the pain deeming too much for him all at once, but the force began to hum and connect him to something inside that tent; something calling to him. Finn slowly turned on his heels and made his way back inside the tent, following the humming through the strange bond created through the force. The humming got louder and sharper as he neared Rey’s bookcase. At first he thought it was the old Jedi text open that was calling him, but then his attention was brought to a weapon- Leia’s old lightsaber. Of course, he thought; she was a force user as well, so it made sense to why it was calling to him. He gripped the cold metal in his hands, sliding his thumb across the rough hilt. The connection ceased as soon as he had touched it and rather sent a warmth over him in appeasement. He ignited the blade, the green light illuminating the shaded tent. The hum of the saber filled his ears and a sense of excitement washed over him. The blade felt heavy in his hand and his balance wavered. It wasn’t meant for him, he thought. He would have to make his own somehow. He had watched Rey try to piece together the one her and Kylo had broken, and he knew the parts he needed, and he knew exactly where to go for them, thanks to his friend with a shady past as a smuggler and spice runner.   
A smirk formed upon his lips as he spun the saber in his hands. He knew exactly what he needed to do and where he needed to go- now he just needed some practice before he executed his plan; before he could win the battle he was about to start and finish, once and for all.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Another chapter told in Finn's perspective! There will be more told in his perspective soon but I think next chapter I will be going back to Ben and Rey. Enjoy and feedback is always welcomed! Thank you for all the kudos and reads!

Chapter 15:  
It had been five days since the conference meeting with Rey. Four days since Rey left. Three days since Finn had discovered the ways of the force. Five days since Finn had had a decent amount of sleep.

Ever since he tapped into his force abilities, strange things had been happening. He would be running the training course that Rey had run, or sparring with inanimate objects in the practice room or in the woods, and he would feel this dark pull to him. It consumed his emotions. He could feel anger through the bond; red, hot rage. Then he would get the same spine-chilling shiver down his back- sadness, regret, defeat. It would come and go in waves, and he couldn’t see anything, but he could sense something; someone, there. He didn’t know what it was at first, and then he realized it: it was the former Supreme Leader of the First Order. He was connected to Finn through the force- somehow, some way. Finn had a feeling his former commander wasn’t purposefully trying to reach out to him and Finn certainly wasn’t purposefully trying to reach out to his former commander, so how were they being connected…?

After the second one, Finn was able to figure it out. Rey had said that her and ‘Ben’ were a dyad- two that are one. Both parts light and dark. A bond created out of spite and remained through compassion. Once he realized the force was calling him to ‘Ben,’ all the pieces fell into place. He was a part of this; he always had been. He was an escaped storm trooper. He met Poe, helped him escape, and just happened to land on Jakuu, the home of Rey. Rey then becomes a part of Kylo’s mission and it all comes full-circle, forever connecting the three. That was no accident or convenience- it was fate. They were a triad.  
That’s why he wasn’t a good storm trooper- he wasn’t built to command orders, but rather put them into action himself. That’s why he met Poe and Rey and BB8 when he did- their meeting was his fate; his origin story. The only thing that didn’t make sense to him was that the force wasn’t connecting him to Rey. At night, when he would meditate, he would try to reach out to Rey; he could feel her force signature, but whenever he pushed further through the force to make the connection solid, it would always connect him to the last person he wanted to be connected with through the force. Then he started to realize that he could start having fun with it.

He was only getting Ben because Ben was searching for him- he could sense him there. Those other feelings he was having- they were warning signs through the force, letting Finn know that he had been discovered through Ben’s visions. He was searching for trouble, and that’s exactly what Finn would give him.

At first it was small, simple actions through the force. He was able to touch things Rey had owned- her sleeping bag, the lightsaber he had taken, the Jedi texts; each one of them flashing a different memory through the force. All of them having to do with Kylo, of course. It was hard to watch, but the more he saw them together, the more he realized that they would destroy each other. He watched fear plague both of them in all the visions. They would both stand their ground and exchange insults and empty threats, but behind it all was fear. He could feel it through the force. So he decided to use their words against them. He would outwardly push thoughts into the head of the former Supreme Leader- one’s he knew would hurt.  
“Murderous snake!”  
“Liar.”  
“You’re nothing.”  
“Monster.”  
That last one hit his target the hardest; he could feel it every time. It was a strong pull in the pit of his stomach- despair. Raw pain. Finn wondered how many times she had called him this; how many times he had thought of himself as such. In the vision he saw when Rey called him that the first time through their force connection, he confirmed he was. Not because he thought he was, but because he needed any excuse to get the high ground with Rey and show that she did not make him weak. To make others believe he was a capable and competent leader and would kill her if she didn’t give him what he needed. To make himself believe the same; to make himself see past his conflict.

Then, as Finn experimented more with the force, he realized one night in his sleep that he could dig so much deeper.

It was dusk. He was in a cobblestone-paved tone, stone buildings and little pop-up vendors surrounding him. Some of the locals were staring at him strangely, while others hid their children behind their legs. Others chose to ignore the situation and duck into the various buildings.  
Out of sight, out of mind, thought Finn. That must be a nice philosophy to live by.  
As the villagers continued to stare, Finn checked himself over to see if there was anything off about him. When he looked down at his arms, he understood. In his right hand was an activated light saber, the crimson cross crackling and spitting in his hand. It felt lighter than Leia’s had; fit in his hand better and though it still altered his sense of balance slightly, it overall felt more… natural. Why did the weapon of his enemy feel so right in his clutch?  
His questions were interrupted by a humming in the force. They were near. He was near. His eyes flickered from the saber to beyond the concerned villagers and he spotted them- his target wore loose fitted black clothes and his hair whipped through the wind. Beside him in flowing grey scavenger clothes was Rey. He hardly recognized her- her out of place clothes were the only thing that gave her away. Her hair was down; Finn had never seen it like that before. Her posture was rigid and her face held more uncertainty and fear than he had seen before, besides maybe when she had told him about her vision of being on the throne with Ren. She knew what was about to happen.

Finn’s eyes bored into the back of Ben with pure hatred and certainty. Suddenly Ben’s posture became rigid and stiff, making him freeze in place and grab Rey’s hand. Rey turned her head towards her dyad and Finn’s heart clenched. The worry, fear, and concern on her face was so excruciating to watch that it was almost enough for him to retract his saber. Almost.  
He remembered that the only reason she was plagued with so much fear; the only reason they were here in these circumstances to begin with, was because of the monster that was in her clutch.  
Finn felt emotions wash over him: rage, hatred, regret; fear. But they weren’t his own. They were Ben’s.

Ben turned around and met the stare of his enemy, at the same time, unclipping and igniting his lightsaber at his side. The golden flicker of light confused Finn, that was until Rey slowly and hesitantly unclipped and ignited hers, which matched Ben’s.  
Finn glanced away from Ben and looked at Rey. She looked just like she had days ago when she was on the rebel base, but he sensed something different about her. He sensed sadness and grief; far beyond what he had ever seen or felt from her before. She was heartbroken that it had to come down to this.

Her eyebrows wavered as she met his gaze and her eyes filled with silent tears. ‘Please don’t go this way.’ she sent through the force.

Finn gasped a shaky breath, finally being able to feel and hear her through the force, solid and clear. She wasn’t just there physically just feet from him; but also emotionally. He felt every ounce of her being wash over him in waves of sadness and fear. His lip quivered at the feeling of it and he took a slight step backwards in hesitation.  
His decision was made for him when he was met with Ben’s face, for he had stepped in front of Rey to protect her, the force connection between Rey severing and the one with Ben met with anger and resolution. The two enemies had never seen eye to eye but in that moment, they seemed to send the same message: they knew this needed to be settled to restore peace. They both wanted the same thing, essentially- Rey, and peace. But the end result of each, Finn felt, were vastly different.

The scene changed. The village was in flames, screams erupting the silence of the once quant village. The crimson cross was still lit in his hand as he looked down at the victim in front of him. It was Kylo Ren that sprawled across the ground below him, hole in his chest, eyes glossed over. Looking at the dead body of his once captor and former commander sent thrills through his body, the euphoria and power humming inside him and vibrating his surroundings, making the cobblestone beneath them shake and pebbles bounce.

The scene changed again to sometime in the future. He and Rey were sitting next to each other in the mess hall, surrounded by their Resistance friends. They were talking and laughing. Finn was holding Rey’s hand, and she held his. It was the way things had started when they met and the way things ended as well; a complete sense of peacefulness and serenity.  
Finn wished the dream had ended there.

The scene shifted one last time and surroundings immediately changed back to the cobblestone town of Batuu. The streets were still ablaze but there was one difference: the dead body was no longer there. Instead, across the way, there was a different dead body- one of a girl in a grey scavenger uniform. A very sunken form stood over her dead body, golden lightsaber in hand.

Finn woke with a start, sweating and gasping for air. He choked on the dry, humid air as his chest heaved. That dream- no, vision; it was foreshadowing what was to come. There would be different outcomes that could play out, that’s why the final scene was split into two parts. It was the force’s way of showing him that if he killed Ben he could live his life of ‘normalcy’ back at the Resistance Base with Rey, not a care in the world. But if he failed to kill Ben, then Rey would die, and most likely by the hands of the monster she ran away with.

After having that vision, any indecision left had vanished. He needed to kill Ren and get Rey back to safety, and he needed to act- quick. He may be a new force user, but powerful, nonetheless. The force showed him the ways without a teacher, something that had never been done before, as far as he knew. It was clear already that his opponent feared his untamed power, as he had- does, Rey’s. Something strange hit Finn after the vision- a sense of deja vu, like he had already seen and felt that same vision before, yet something felt so different and new about it…

Ren had seen it, but he had seen it from a different perspective. One thing was for sure: both of them had seen Rey’s body sprawled on the cobblestone, and it equally scared the hell out of them.

Finn didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He paced in his cabin, igniting the saber on and off in his hand. It’s green light illuminated the room only for a moment before darkness returned, a feeling he was getting well acquainted with. Upon lighting it, a small crumpled brown leather bag in the corner caught his eye- the pack he had brought on his other rescue missions to find Rey. Keeping the saber ignited, he crouched and picked up the bag and the instant he touched it a memory flashed before his eyes:

Poe had just jumped the Falcon out of light speed and they barrelled full speed at the Destroyer. Finn jolted forward in his seat, sensing she was near. He didn’t know what it was but he could feel it. When his eyes adjusted, he saw Rey at the edge of the hangar and facing her was Kylo Ren, mask off, hand extended towards her. Within him, he could feel Rey’s hesitation, but also her desire, to take Ren’s hand, to put an end to all this.  
Finn ran past Chewie who growled at him and yelled something in Wookie but he ignored it. He ran to the entrance of the ship and pressed the button for the ramp to descend.  
“Rey!” he has yelled, catching her attention.  
The force of the Falcon against the wind tunnel of the hangar was enough to push all the storm troopers back, and even Ren a little, but he pushed his force against it and was able to stand his ground, eyes locked on Rey.  
Finn could feel the pressure of the force from Ren against his chest somehow. It was filled with determination and annoyance, but he was resilient.  
“Finn I can’t hold it like this forever!” Poe yelled from the pilot’s seat, Chewie roaring in agreeance.  
“C’mon, we’ve gotta go!” he screamed over the roaring engine of the Falcon.  
Finn ran down the ramp, holding onto the railing to keep himself from slipping. With his free arm, he extended it out towards Rey, just like Ren had. Huh…  
Rey looked concerned and lost in thought, her gaze ever so slightly looking back at Ren. When she looked back at the large distance between the two ships, Finn seemed to read her thoughts.  
“I’ve got you!” he called out.  
After another moment of hesitation, her eyes adjusted to Finn’s and her expression clearly read her intent. She jumped into the void of space between the ships with a grunt and Finn grounded his stance and caught her arm with his, pulling her around the railing and to him.  
“I got her, let’s move!” Finn screamed over the noise to Poe.  
He started climbing the ramp to go back into the ship and when he looked back he saw Rey staring back at Ren.  
Annoyed and hurt, Finn said, “Rey, c’mon!”  
She shook her head slightly as if to clear her fogged mind and ran up the ramp before Finn pushed the button to close the ramp.  
The last thing Finn saw before the ramp closed all the way was the same annoyed and hurt expression Finn had shown just seconds before. And he felt that feeling in his chest again: hurt.

Finn gripped the bag and started stuffing things in it- clothes, water bottles, and lastly, the red ribbon and Leia’s lightsaber. He quickly closed the satchel and ran out the door, not even bothering to close the door behind him.

***  
“You’re WHAT?!”  
Finn sighed. Rose was the only person he trusted with this mission, and even she didn’t seem real keen about the idea. Why didn’t anyone else want to save Rey? Couldn’t they see she was in danger?

“Look, I wouldn’t have involved anyone if I didn’t have to, but I don’t know how to fly. I need a pilot.” he explained.  
The look in Rose’s eyes was that of utter shock and uncertainty. “What about Poe? Does he know about this little endeavour?”

“No, and he won’t.” he glared daggers at Rose.

Her gaze dropped to the ground, the message clearly getting across. “I don’t know, Finn… what if she just wants to be left alone? Has it occurred to you that that’s why she left to begin with?”

“But alone with him? You heard her at the meeting, Rose; they’re dangerous together.”

“But they might be even more dangerous separated.”

The quick comment made Finn’s thoughts stop in their tracks, anger flickering through his veins. The force, which had been relatively quiet during the interaction, was now pulling on his heart strings, telling him to keep pushing until he got the answer he wanted, not using logic but using compassion.

He gripped Rose’s arm gently as she tried to back away from him. “Rose,” she reluctantly met his desperate gaze. “I just have this… feeling. I can’t explain it, but I can just- feel it. She’s in danger. I can’t just ignore that feeling. I have to help her… please…”  
Rose searched his eyes for any indication of lying but found none. She shuffled her feet under her awkwardly as she looked down at his hand, still gripping her arm just above her hand.  
“IF I agreed to go, which I’m not- where would we even start? We have no clue where she could’ve gone.”

Finn let go of her arm but kept direct eye contact with her. “This feeling… I think it’s telling me; pulling me to where she is.”

“So what’s your plan? Just follow this ‘feeling’ and hope it leads you to her, with no other clear evidence or leads to where in the entire galaxy she could be? And you expect me to just go along with it, putting my life and my ship in danger?”

Sadness and anger were battling for dominance in Finn. He took a deep breath and sighed to calm himself before continuing.  
“I don’t expect you to agree; just that you understand.”

Rose’s eyelids fluttered up to search Finn’s expressions. She searched his eyes and his face before the satchel on his bag caught her eye. “You’re going with or without a pilot, aren’t you…?”

Finn’s expression was hard as he nodded. “If I can’t find someone to go with me then I will figure it out myself. Nothing is going to stop me from saving her, Rose.”

After another moment of hesitation and reading each other’s expressions, Rose looked behind her shoulders and sighed in defeat. “Fine. But only because I don’t want you destroying my ship.”

Finn smiled and embraced her in an excited hug. “Thank you,” he whispered.

A shiver ran down Rose’s arms at the soft words against her hair and ear. She pulled away and once again looked around them to make sure no one was watching them.  
“Stay low while I go do a maintenance check on the ship. Meet me there in an hour and make sure you have everything you need. We need to slip out fast and without drawing too much attention to ourselves.”

Finn nodded, clapping his hand against her shoulder. “You’re the best.”

“You owe me.” she growled under her breath as she watched him walk back to his cabin.

***  
“Hey, someone looks in a better mood!”  
Finn was almost to Rose’s ship when Poe had spotted him. He slung the satchel further behind his back to hide it from Poe who stood just a few feet in front of him.

“Yeah, I got some decent sleep last night.” he lied.

“I won’t take credit for all of it but I will take partial credit. Glad I could help, buddy.” Poe clapped Finn’s shoulder, making the satchel shift behind his back and fall slightly down his shoulder.

“Wacha got there?” Poe waved a finger at the satchel.

Finn started panicking and slung the bag further up his shoulder and on his back. “Nothing. I’m just going for a walk and am bringing some stuff with me in case I get lost.” his voice wavered.

“Ah ha.” Poe said sarcastically. Before Finn could react, Poe pulled the satchel off his shoulder and opened it, turning in a circle as he snooped to avoid Finn’s attempt at gripping the bag back.

Finn watched as Poe strategically dodged him as he looked through his bag. At first he didn’t seem phased but when he got to Leia’s saber, he stopped spinning dead in his tracks and the smug smile was wiped from his face.  
Poe picked up the saber and faced Finn, his look stern. “Is this…? Why do you have this?” his words came out rigid and slow.

Finn tried to grab the bag again but Poe stepped backwards and rummaged to the bottom of the bag where he had found what Finn had gone back to his cabin for- the Jedi text. He had taken the open text from Rey’s camp in the woods as a guide to her. He couldn’t decipher the text but he could piece together some things from the pictures and through the guiding of the force energy.

Poe glanced back up at Finn, his expression angry. “You’re leaving to go find Rey.”

Finn scoffed in defeat. “Yes, okay? No one else here seems to care about her but I do. I need to find her and bring her back.”

“And you didn’t even ask me to tag along on this little adventure? How are you going to get there?” Poe raised his voice.

Finn subconsciously looked towards Rose’s ship in the distance, where she was standing and staring at the scene before her. Poe’s glance followed his and he rolled his eyes as he looked back at Finn.

“I’m fine with you putting yourself in danger but getting Rose involved is not cool.” he crossed his arms.

“I didn’t make her do anything, Poe. She agreed to come.”

“This is a waste of time. You don’t even know where she is. She’s a strong girl- she can hold her own. Why are you doing all of this? Just leave her be; she will come back.”

“Because that method has worked so well before?!” Finn lost control of his emotions.

Poe fell silent as Finn screamed at him a second time in the past few days. After a few moments, he looked back at Rose and then back at Finn and sighed. “I will cover for you but do what you need to do and get back. People will become suspicious that the co-general isn’t here to do his paperwork- again.”

Finn blushed slightly, realization hitting him that he hadn’t met Poe back at the meeting room days before when he said he would to help him keep civilization at bay until they figured out a fair governing system.  
With a breath of relief of the tension, Finn looked at Poe and forced a small smile. “Thanks, man.”

He started to run towards Rose, who was waving frantically to come over to her after she watched Poe give the okay, when he heard Poe call out his name.  
“Finn,” his voice was steady and low.

Finn turned around and looked at his friend.

“Stay alive.”

Finn nodded before turning back to Rose and made his way into her ship. He took the co-pilot seat and strapped himself to the seat, securing his satchel on his lap. As Rose sat beside him and pushed buttons and flicked levers, the ship hummed to life and began levitating.  
“Where to?” Rose asked, looking at Finn for guidance.

Finn flicked the lever that flashed on a holographic map of the galaxy. His eyes rapidly scanned the map as he waited for the force to guide him. The familiar pull in his gut tugged at him as his eyes locked on one planet: Kef Bir.

Finn’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Why would Rey be back there? That’s where the dagger had led them to in order to find the location device to get to Palpatine. That’s where she pushed him away from her in the middle of a battle with Kylo Ren. That’s where she left them, abandoned, with no way of finding her.  
Finn closed his eyes again and focused on the energy of the force. He realized it wasn’t Rey’s force that was leading him there; it was something else. Some other dark energy; something the force was telling him he needed.

He pointed to the planet and the hologram shifted as it faded, automatically placing the coordinates into Rose’s ship.

Without another word, Finn slumped back in his chair and looked out the window as they soared into space. Looking at the stars, he couldn’t help but to think on Poe’s last words to him: “Stay alive.”

He would, he thought, but not everybody would share the same fate.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:  
As he scaled the mountainous terrain of the island, occasionally looking down at the navigation device to make sure he was still on the right track to finding Rey, Ben got lost in thought.

The beautiful sunrise was breathtaking and the splashing of the waves against the cliffs was enough to make his muscles relax. His eyes would flutter to a close at times just to take it all in. The air smelled clean and fresh, with the saltiness of the ocean that would blow mist in his direction to the smell of the wildflowers hidden beneath the long, untamed grass. The gentle wind blew the grass blades to one side or another, almost making a path for Ben to walk through. It really was a beautiful place, he thought; he understood why Luke secluded himself here for all those years. He also understood why Rey had brought them here of all places- had the circumstances been different, he would’ve loved starting a new life here with Rey.

He stopped walking for a moment and closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A memory flickered through his mind- of the island, the sun’s reflection glinting and dancing off the water’s surface, the sun setting. It occurred to him that he had never seen this island before; not like this. The memory was Rey’s, from when he was interrogating her. She would imagine an island; this island, whenever she was afraid and lonely back on Jakku. Strange to think that she had known the hiding spot of his uncle the whole time and never understood it…  
Ben looked back down at the ring. The blinking red dot indicated she was just down the hill from where he was. He descended the cliff and was met by a clear view of the skyline meeting the water. Rey was nowhere to be seen. Confused, Ben looked back down at the ring and when he tilted his head down he caught a glint of light from something reflecting in the ground. He bent down and picked up none other than Rey’s bracelet- the one he was using to track her down.

Ben scoffed in anger and amusement and looked around him for any sign of Rey. He listened for any indication of her but the only things he could hear over the roaring ocean was the high-pitched squeal of the annoying little fluff balls that refused to move out of his path on the cliff. Defeated and annoyed, he slid his back down against a boulder until he was sitting on the ground with his knees in the air and his feet sinking in the lush soil. He felt tired from walking all morning, but more so felt defeated. Defeated by his own demons. Defeated by his own mind for tricking him into thinking he was something he wasn’t. Defeated by the only person left he cared about.

Ben sighed and rubbed his temples, closing his eyes to try to reach out in the force to Rey again. He couldn’t feel Rey, but he could feel something else; another pull through the force. Fear and anger rippled through his body as he thought it was FN-2187. But as he pushed more, he found that this force signature didn’t have a form; it was a feeling- something pulling him towards it. Curious and at a complete loss otherwise, Ben decided to follow the impulse. He stood and closed his eyes and let the pull in his gut lead his body. He opened his eyes and looked around, the pull leading him to the top of the cliff behind him. Ben furrowed his brows and cautiously made his way up the cliff.

The adrenaline was building in his chest. Every step closer made his heart pound faster and his senses more alert. He approached the top of the cliff and saw Rey on the other side. She was looking at something in front of her that Ben couldn’t see from his angle, but she looked petrified. She must’ve felt him there through the force and she looked at him, hazel eyes full of worry. Ben searched her face before she turned it back to what she was looking at prior to noticing him. His steps quickened as he made his way towards her. He kept his distance and stood on the opposite side of the cliff still but gained a new angle so he could tell what she was looking at. When he saw it, he felt that same fear Rey had exhibited just seconds ago.

It was a gold kyber crystal, splintered right down the center, yet instead of losing its glow from being fractured, it glowed strong and true, the sun glinting off the precious mineral and making it appear majestic. This was the kyber crystal that they had both seen in their visions and dreams. This is the kyber crystal that would make their lightsabers; the ones that would take down FN-2187.

Ben felt Rey’s force presence and a surge of emotions swept through their bond in an overwhelming blow. Ben shuttered and met Rey’s glance, which was already staring back at him. Her hair blew in the gusty wind and when it blew her hair away from her face, Ben could see the delicate, worried face of his other half of the force. That kyber crystal- it was made for them. It was 2 parts that became one, just like them. The part that was scaring them was that that crystal had to be used to make their weapons to take down Finn.

Ben broke their look first and walked slowly towards the crystal, bending down and grabbing it. He played with it in his hand as he walked closer to Rey. Ben noticed the bond between them grow once more, Rey no longer cutting herself off from the force. When he got within an arms width from her, he reached the hand with the crystal out towards her.

Tears of realization flowed through her eyes as she looked from the crystal to Ben. She closed herself off from the force again, severing their connection.

“Rey.” Ben’s voice was one of warning.

After a few moments staring at his determined and hardened face, she let her walls down slightly, allowing her shoulders to relax.

“You know this is what we have to do…” Ben’s voice broke a little, clearly pained by his own statement.

Rey looked away and sniffled back her tears. When she looked at Ben, his hand and the crystal were still outstretched for her.  
Her expression hardened. “We can’t hurt him, Ben.”

It took everything in Ben’s power to control his anger at that statement. “We will try not to Rey but if the time comes… you need to be able to save yourself.”

Rey took a shaky breath and reluctantly nodded, reaching out and grabbing the crystal from his hand. There was a split second where both of them had a grasp on the crystal and a sharp vision flashed through them- a simple, quick vision of them standing side to side with their new golden weapons drawn, looking past the vision at their threat. Both looked equally as determined and reluctant about the action, but the force hummed through them, acknowledging their union in combat.

Rey grabbed the crystal from Ben’s hand completely and took a few steps back as she flipped the crystal in her fingers, observing it as if it was some rare part of a ship she had found as a scavenger on Jakuu. Ben just watched her and tried to read her until she met his gaze and caught him staring.

“What now?” her voice was quiet yet firm, as she had accepted their sad fate.

“We have to go to Batuu. It’s an outer rim planet. There is a place there with all the materials we need to make our sabers. That’s where I made mine before…” Ben trailed off, the memory of an angry and scared young jedi-gone-rouge hijacking a ship and following the voice of his new mentor to the place to make his red cross saber weighing on him.

Rey nodded firmly and tucked the crystal into the inner strap of her holster belt on her waist. “Then Batuu it is.”

***  
The descent down the cliff was quiet and tension-filled. The crispness of his singed clothes didn’t help the situation feel any less uncomfortable, either. When they boarded the Falcon, Rey held a hand up to signal him to wait in his place while she turned around the corner and disappeared. A few moments later, she returned with a fresh set of clothes for him- his father’s clothes.

She gestured her head behind her slightly. “Go freshen up. I will make sure the ship is running smoothly.”

Ben obeyed and without thinking, his feet led him to the shower room on the ship. It was small and simple- toilet, sink, and shower, all a pristine white. He turned the water on and sat in the steamy room for a moment before stripping and entering the hot, welcoming water. His body ached. His head throbbed. I guess that’s to be expected after getting hit by lightning and going on a wild droid chase immediately after. Charred flakes fell off Ben’s shirt as he threw it to the ground, followed by everything else.

The water stung. It burned every inch of his skin, yet he had never felt more alive. That’s one thing he knew his whole life- the pain was unbearable, but damn, it made him feel alive. And after his experience with death, he would take on that painful sting of living any day.

Ben put his pants and boots on and without thinking started putting his shirt on after he was already walking out the door. In the First Order, he had to move fast- he didn’t have the luxury of taking his time when time was such a precious thing. Time was still such a precious thing…

He got shaken out of his thoughts when something bumped against his bare chest, only one of his arms through the sleeve. He stumbled back a few steps and met the face of a very startled Rey. She immediately averted her gaze and cleared her throat, as she had not too long ago that one force connection. Ben couldn’t help but smirk at her flustered mannerisms; he loved knowing he could get to her as she could him.

“The ship is ready for takeoff, ehm, whenever you are.” her voice staggered, trying to focus on anything but the shirtless man in front of her.  
Ben pulled the rest of his shirt on over his body, the shirt stiff and clingy due to his inability to fully dry off. He kept tugging the bottom of it trying to adjust it, but decided to give up and followed Rey into the cockpit.

Rey was about to sit in the pilot’s seat when Ben felt a pull towards the seat. There was something telling him he needed to do this; for his father.

“Wait.” his voice cracked.

Rey’s hand froze over the pilot’s seat as her hips were turned in to take a seat. When she met Ben’s eyes, she understood. She stepped away from the pilot’s seat and into the passenger seat as Ben made his way to the pilot’s chair.

The walk to the front of the ship and to that one chair seemed like the longest walk of Ben’s life. Time seemed to slow as the pressure built in his chest, as if the force was being used against him. His hand hovered over the chair and he froze as the memory of his childhood replayed in his mind. His thoughts were interrupted by Rey’s gentle hand making its home on Ben’s shoulder.

Ben met her gaze and took a deep breath before taking his seat right in his father’s place. Upon sitting down, all that pressure and anxiety in Ben’s chest disappeared, as if he actually belonged. Huh- what a strange feeling; to belong to something.  
Ben flipped a few switches and the Falcon whirled to life. Just as he was about to take hold of the manual controls, he looked over at Rey, who was smiling sweetly at him.

“What?”

Her smile grew and tears formed as she rolled her eyes. “You just look so… familiar.”

Ben understood what she meant as he looked down at his clothes- his father’s clothes, in his father’s seat. He felt sympathy for her- he knew she was still haunted by the death of his father, as he was. Seeing him like this was probably just as hard for her to see as it was for him to feel; all that remorse and guilt.

Ben took a deep breath and took hold of the manual controls. The ship rattled as he pushed the lever, blasting the Falcon into hyperspeed towards yet another reminder of his past, and towards the inevitable foreseen future:

“To Batuu.”


End file.
